Tonight was the last night hanging out with Gabe. I just don't know what I'm gonna do without him. He's the guy I can call in the middle of the night and know he'll want to hang out, the guy who will go outside and play with me when I'm feeling childish, and the guy who'll bike miles and miles with me without saying a word because we're both too wrapped up in our music. I haven't had a guy friend who I can pal around with, no pressure, and who I know this well, in a long time, and I'm gonna miss him a lot. I wish him the best of luck in his new life in Arizona, and I hope he'll come back soon!
That's making me feel some pre-loneliness, knowing that I won't have a buddy on-call at all times.
In other news, though, I'm in the midst of a legal battle over a motorcycle, and that's all I'll say about that right now. Other than the fact that I have some burns and bruises on my legs that hurt like the dickens. Major bummer.
And I still don't have a job. I was thinking about that in the shower today (where I do most of my brilliant thinking) and realizing that although I'm frustrated at not having a new job, I feel that I made the right choice in leaving Bluebird. I trust that what I need in life will present itself, and it will be up to me to act.
But there ARE prospects! I don't want to say anything else now (in case I jinx it!), but there ARE prospects!
I still don't know what I'm doing with my life, but I've got a crushing grip on hope.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Catch-22
What does it mean to feel your mortality at age twenty-two?
By 22 Gandhi had three kids, Mozart had thirty symphonies and Buddy Holly was dead.
That quote from "Remember Me", a movie I saw a few weeks ago, has been haunting me. I can feel every day slipping by without my doing something. Something great, or memorable, or lasting. In theory my very existence changes the world around me, but I desire more than that, and I have to ask myself why. Biology tells me that my early twenties are physically the best years of my life. I'm lithe, strong, enduring, flexible, capable of so much, and yet I'm allowing this time to slip past and around me like a ghost, and I won't get any of this time back. Ever.
I look around me at all the things others have done by the time they were my age, and I feel insignificant. Do I want to "do something" with my life just to have something to point to so my poor ego can compete? Or is there a deeper reason?
All this is not to say that I'm not enjoying life in this moment. I've had so many moments of awareness and mindfulness lately; enjoying the feel of my muscles straining during a run, feeling the difference in temperature between sunlight and shade, watching two people great each other after a long separation, concentrating on my breath as the split second between past and future, philosophizing on the nature of love underneath the stars.
But these lighting bolts of thought on mortality keep striking when I'm unprepared, and they keep me awake at night. All of my planning, my making money, going to New Zealand, seeing friends, working for Heifer....everything seems....so far away...so insignificant...and so self-serving, considering that it seems like the only thing worth doing is making this life better for others and the ones who will come after.
Gandhi said that "almost everything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."
Right now I need to believe that he's right.
By 22 Gandhi had three kids, Mozart had thirty symphonies and Buddy Holly was dead.
That quote from "Remember Me", a movie I saw a few weeks ago, has been haunting me. I can feel every day slipping by without my doing something. Something great, or memorable, or lasting. In theory my very existence changes the world around me, but I desire more than that, and I have to ask myself why. Biology tells me that my early twenties are physically the best years of my life. I'm lithe, strong, enduring, flexible, capable of so much, and yet I'm allowing this time to slip past and around me like a ghost, and I won't get any of this time back. Ever.
I look around me at all the things others have done by the time they were my age, and I feel insignificant. Do I want to "do something" with my life just to have something to point to so my poor ego can compete? Or is there a deeper reason?
All this is not to say that I'm not enjoying life in this moment. I've had so many moments of awareness and mindfulness lately; enjoying the feel of my muscles straining during a run, feeling the difference in temperature between sunlight and shade, watching two people great each other after a long separation, concentrating on my breath as the split second between past and future, philosophizing on the nature of love underneath the stars.
But these lighting bolts of thought on mortality keep striking when I'm unprepared, and they keep me awake at night. All of my planning, my making money, going to New Zealand, seeing friends, working for Heifer....everything seems....so far away...so insignificant...and so self-serving, considering that it seems like the only thing worth doing is making this life better for others and the ones who will come after.
Gandhi said that "almost everything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."
Right now I need to believe that he's right.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A New Job? And New Music!
So I'm doing a phone interview with Heifer International on Thursday! I applied for a job as a Ranch Livestock Volunteer, which basically means I help the livestock coordinator care for the tons of animals that Heifer will eventually be sending overseas. Check out this kickin' description of the things I'd do/learn:
1. Basic needs, behavior patterns, and how to work with animals.
2. Diagnose and treat sick animals. Determine intestinal parasite loads by fecal flotation. Basic health management of livestock.
3. Basic livestock production principles.
4. Pasture management (fertilization, liming, planting, rotational grazing, etc.)
5. Repair and build electric and non-electric fences. Operate a limited amount of farm equipment. Basic farm type repairs.
7. Teach visitors about the use of farm animals and their importance in developing countries.
8. New techniques in small-scale farm enterprises.
Anyway, they need someone starting in December, and working in this position for three to six months, and then I could extend the time in the job or find another job higher up in the organization, and it would just generally be kick-ass to get this much experience with animals on my resume, and to have it with HEIFER.......would be just too cool. Everyone loves Heifer. And while I'm there I get a room at the ranch, noon meals 7 days a week, and a stipend for the rest of my living expenses. In short, I won't be making much money at all, but I need the experience and it's a great resume builder.
So, I'll try not to count my chickens before they're hatched. I think I can get this job, but I don't want to get too excited.
In the meantime, I've decided that unless something long-term comes up (like this job, but it wouldn't start 'till December anyway), I'm going to get a job around the Northfield area just to make some serious cash if I can, and the minute I hit six thousand dollars in my savings account, I'M JETTING TO NEW ZEALAND. I'm getting progressively more excited about the possibility of going there. But I require money first.
So if anyone hears of any jobs anywhere in Northfield, FOR GODSSAKE LET ME KNOW!!!
But in the meantime, check out this awesome new collaboration! They're called My Terrible Friend, and it's made up of the lead singer from the band Pomplamoose and Lauren O'Connell, who may be one of my new favorite musicians, period. Listen and smile.
EDIT: Ok, I think I might just love Lauren. She's SO GREAT. Just WATCH this, will you???
Oh Death - Lauren O'Connoll
1. Basic needs, behavior patterns, and how to work with animals.
2. Diagnose and treat sick animals. Determine intestinal parasite loads by fecal flotation. Basic health management of livestock.
3. Basic livestock production principles.
4. Pasture management (fertilization, liming, planting, rotational grazing, etc.)
5. Repair and build electric and non-electric fences. Operate a limited amount of farm equipment. Basic farm type repairs.
7. Teach visitors about the use of farm animals and their importance in developing countries.
8. New techniques in small-scale farm enterprises.
Anyway, they need someone starting in December, and working in this position for three to six months, and then I could extend the time in the job or find another job higher up in the organization, and it would just generally be kick-ass to get this much experience with animals on my resume, and to have it with HEIFER.......would be just too cool. Everyone loves Heifer. And while I'm there I get a room at the ranch, noon meals 7 days a week, and a stipend for the rest of my living expenses. In short, I won't be making much money at all, but I need the experience and it's a great resume builder.
So, I'll try not to count my chickens before they're hatched. I think I can get this job, but I don't want to get too excited.
In the meantime, I've decided that unless something long-term comes up (like this job, but it wouldn't start 'till December anyway), I'm going to get a job around the Northfield area just to make some serious cash if I can, and the minute I hit six thousand dollars in my savings account, I'M JETTING TO NEW ZEALAND. I'm getting progressively more excited about the possibility of going there. But I require money first.
So if anyone hears of any jobs anywhere in Northfield, FOR GODSSAKE LET ME KNOW!!!
But in the meantime, check out this awesome new collaboration! They're called My Terrible Friend, and it's made up of the lead singer from the band Pomplamoose and Lauren O'Connell, who may be one of my new favorite musicians, period. Listen and smile.
EDIT: Ok, I think I might just love Lauren. She's SO GREAT. Just WATCH this, will you???
Oh Death - Lauren O'Connoll
Monday, July 12, 2010
For Those Of You Just Joining Us...
...I quit work up at Bluebird Gardens in Fergus Falls. It was the first time I've ever quit a job with no other alternative figured out and ready to take over. There were so many reasons why Bluebird wasn't the place for me, and if you read those back entries about the farm you'll see many of them interspersed with the high points. The last straw for me was finding out that we were using non-organic chemicals on the farm, which may not be a big deal for some people, but for me it is.
That's all I'm gonna say about that, because I'm sick of talking about it!
This last week has been a great time to unwind. I've been doing yoga, running and biking, stretching out all those knots in my back, catching up on my sleep, and generally chilling out, which has been REALLY nice.
But I miss my friends at Bluebird! I miss talking with Jenny in the fields (even though we got yelled at for it), thinking about the future and listening to Fleetwood Mac with Stu, talking in spanglish with Ramon and Alejandro, and so many other things!! Ramon's girlfriend Lilly had their baby back home in Peru early on Saturday morning, and they named him Rafael, which is so awesome! I'm sad I didn't get to party with them to celebrate! But I'm still keeping in contact with them, and they may come to visit soon!
As for what I'm up to next, who knows? I've interviewed at another farm, but I don't know if I'll get it, or if I should take it. I'm considering getting a job in Northfield for a while and working full time to make some serious money and then just going for the New Zealand plan. ALSO, Beth Ness is going to Scotland in September for a semester, and she's said I have a place to stay there if I want to come visit, so perhaps I should change the New Zealand plan to the Scotland plan? I'm unsure. I feel so free, but also a bit aimless just now, which is not one of my favorite feelings.
Anyway, I'll try to keep this blog a little more current now that I've recuperated. :-)
That's all I'm gonna say about that, because I'm sick of talking about it!
This last week has been a great time to unwind. I've been doing yoga, running and biking, stretching out all those knots in my back, catching up on my sleep, and generally chilling out, which has been REALLY nice.
But I miss my friends at Bluebird! I miss talking with Jenny in the fields (even though we got yelled at for it), thinking about the future and listening to Fleetwood Mac with Stu, talking in spanglish with Ramon and Alejandro, and so many other things!! Ramon's girlfriend Lilly had their baby back home in Peru early on Saturday morning, and they named him Rafael, which is so awesome! I'm sad I didn't get to party with them to celebrate! But I'm still keeping in contact with them, and they may come to visit soon!
As for what I'm up to next, who knows? I've interviewed at another farm, but I don't know if I'll get it, or if I should take it. I'm considering getting a job in Northfield for a while and working full time to make some serious money and then just going for the New Zealand plan. ALSO, Beth Ness is going to Scotland in September for a semester, and she's said I have a place to stay there if I want to come visit, so perhaps I should change the New Zealand plan to the Scotland plan? I'm unsure. I feel so free, but also a bit aimless just now, which is not one of my favorite feelings.
Anyway, I'll try to keep this blog a little more current now that I've recuperated. :-)
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Oh My Gosh, There's A World Outside The Farm!!
It was so nice to get away this weekend with my mama, and she still holds the title of best mom ever in my book, even though we like to give her crap.
I left work early (4pm) on Saturday and drove down to St. Cloud, jamming and singing along to music the whole way, which made me feel a lot better about things in general. Of course, I had to have the windows down the whole way because of the sour milk smell, but I didn't mind. It was just so great to be FREE!!!!
That's something I need to remember here. I've "loosed myself from limits and imaginary lines," and setting up invisible walls for myself and getting run down by work has stifled my mental freedom lately. It's great to know that the world is still out there, ready to be explored, and that even if I am here and I might not like some of it, I'm still free in my own mind. I think some former president said something along the same lines, but I don't remember which one. Maybe Lincoln.
ANYWAY, mom and I flopped at the hotel for a bit, and then went out for Chipotle and a nice talk, and then to Barnes and Nobel to look at books and get our internet on. I bought three books, despite not having much money, because I'm quickly running out of things to read here at the farm. So here are the new books!
-Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig
-Tales of a Female Nomad by Rita Golden Gelman
-Seven Years in Tibet by Heinrich Harrer
And then we went back to the hotel for bed, as I was exhausted.
This morning I got to sleep in until I woke up by myself at about 9:45, just in time to watch the England v. Germany match, only to see my wonderful Three Lions lose! It was pretty darn heartbreaking.
To get over this terrible defeat, I took a long hot shower (oh my gosh, water that stays hot instead of fluctuating to ice cold every few seconds! And that comes out of the shower head in a nice spray!) which was just fantastic, and then we went out to breakfast where I got whole wheat french toast.
Then back to Barnes and Nobel to look up some job possibilities and be tempted by a nap in a sun-drenched comfy chair. For a late lunch we went to Red Lobster and I got somewhat local Walleye from the Great Lakes. And those delicious cheddar biscuits!
And then I hugged mom goodbye and drove back to the farm on as many back-road scenic highways as I could find and marveled at the beauty of Minnesota lake country. It's so pretty up here. There's a lake among rolling hills and birch trees not more than 20 minutes from here that I may go spend some time at if I'm ever not too exhausted.
So overall it was a great weekend-day thanks to my mommy, great food, long sleep, gorgeous country, and good music. Thanks, world!
I left work early (4pm) on Saturday and drove down to St. Cloud, jamming and singing along to music the whole way, which made me feel a lot better about things in general. Of course, I had to have the windows down the whole way because of the sour milk smell, but I didn't mind. It was just so great to be FREE!!!!
That's something I need to remember here. I've "loosed myself from limits and imaginary lines," and setting up invisible walls for myself and getting run down by work has stifled my mental freedom lately. It's great to know that the world is still out there, ready to be explored, and that even if I am here and I might not like some of it, I'm still free in my own mind. I think some former president said something along the same lines, but I don't remember which one. Maybe Lincoln.
ANYWAY, mom and I flopped at the hotel for a bit, and then went out for Chipotle and a nice talk, and then to Barnes and Nobel to look at books and get our internet on. I bought three books, despite not having much money, because I'm quickly running out of things to read here at the farm. So here are the new books!
-Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig
-Tales of a Female Nomad by Rita Golden Gelman
-Seven Years in Tibet by Heinrich Harrer
And then we went back to the hotel for bed, as I was exhausted.
This morning I got to sleep in until I woke up by myself at about 9:45, just in time to watch the England v. Germany match, only to see my wonderful Three Lions lose! It was pretty darn heartbreaking.
To get over this terrible defeat, I took a long hot shower (oh my gosh, water that stays hot instead of fluctuating to ice cold every few seconds! And that comes out of the shower head in a nice spray!) which was just fantastic, and then we went out to breakfast where I got whole wheat french toast.
Then back to Barnes and Nobel to look up some job possibilities and be tempted by a nap in a sun-drenched comfy chair. For a late lunch we went to Red Lobster and I got somewhat local Walleye from the Great Lakes. And those delicious cheddar biscuits!
And then I hugged mom goodbye and drove back to the farm on as many back-road scenic highways as I could find and marveled at the beauty of Minnesota lake country. It's so pretty up here. There's a lake among rolling hills and birch trees not more than 20 minutes from here that I may go spend some time at if I'm ever not too exhausted.
So overall it was a great weekend-day thanks to my mommy, great food, long sleep, gorgeous country, and good music. Thanks, world!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Still Exhausted, But Happier
"Carry on my wayward son,
There'll be peace when you are done.
Lay your weary head to rest,
Don't you cry no more."
Seriously, is there a song with a better chorus and killer guitar licks? Kansas made my whole day better as I was driving home from the stand. I was tired and hot and still in a bit of a funk, but in four minutes the universe spoke, and I knew everything would be alright. Perfect.
After talking with family and friends, I've decided that as long as I act with honestly, courage and conviction I will be ok with any decisions I make regarding staying here or quitting. Right now I've finally gotten my second wind and things are looking up, so I'm going to keep on truckin' here at Bluebird, but I'm also going to keep a weather eye (and ear) out for other job opportunities that may pay more and require less than all of my willpower and strength being sapped from me.
Ok, that was an exaggeration. :-)
But I'm feeling pretty good right now, and I'm excited because I'm going to meet mom in St. Cloud tomorrow for a fun day and a half! It's going to be a welcome break from the farm, and a good time to get in a car by myself and sing loudly for a couple of hours.
But while I'm on the subject of my car, does anyone have any good suggestions for getting sour milk smell out of a trunk? At the beginning of the week I took a bunch of people in to the grocery store, and Sam forgot a gallon of milk in my trunk, which promptly exploded and rotted in the heat, and now my car smells terrible. Halp!
There'll be peace when you are done.
Lay your weary head to rest,
Don't you cry no more."
Seriously, is there a song with a better chorus and killer guitar licks? Kansas made my whole day better as I was driving home from the stand. I was tired and hot and still in a bit of a funk, but in four minutes the universe spoke, and I knew everything would be alright. Perfect.
After talking with family and friends, I've decided that as long as I act with honestly, courage and conviction I will be ok with any decisions I make regarding staying here or quitting. Right now I've finally gotten my second wind and things are looking up, so I'm going to keep on truckin' here at Bluebird, but I'm also going to keep a weather eye (and ear) out for other job opportunities that may pay more and require less than all of my willpower and strength being sapped from me.
Ok, that was an exaggeration. :-)
But I'm feeling pretty good right now, and I'm excited because I'm going to meet mom in St. Cloud tomorrow for a fun day and a half! It's going to be a welcome break from the farm, and a good time to get in a car by myself and sing loudly for a couple of hours.
But while I'm on the subject of my car, does anyone have any good suggestions for getting sour milk smell out of a trunk? At the beginning of the week I took a bunch of people in to the grocery store, and Sam forgot a gallon of milk in my trunk, which promptly exploded and rotted in the heat, and now my car smells terrible. Halp!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Disenchantment
We're all talking about disenchantment today. We're tired, and dirty, and sore, and we feel like we spend half our time doing things that don't matter. Like spending 3 hours weeding the huge bean field, only to have Mark come up and say "oh, that's too far gone. I was just going to plow it under."
Ugh.
We're all feeling it. Yesterday and today were the worst, and I wasn't even working here. I was at the stand. Still, the hot sun beating down on you, the aching knees and backs, the innefficiency of so many things around here....
It's depressing.
Still, we power through. We spend the nights painting, reading, running, daydreaming, doing things to coax our good humors back long enough to make it through another day. It's hard. The novelty has worn off, and I'm waiting for my second wind.
I still love farming, but we're all a bit fed up with the inefficient, time-wasting and money-wasting ways of our boss and his wife.
I'm finding myself dreaming about New Zealand.
Ugh.
We're all feeling it. Yesterday and today were the worst, and I wasn't even working here. I was at the stand. Still, the hot sun beating down on you, the aching knees and backs, the innefficiency of so many things around here....
It's depressing.
Still, we power through. We spend the nights painting, reading, running, daydreaming, doing things to coax our good humors back long enough to make it through another day. It's hard. The novelty has worn off, and I'm waiting for my second wind.
I still love farming, but we're all a bit fed up with the inefficient, time-wasting and money-wasting ways of our boss and his wife.
I'm finding myself dreaming about New Zealand.
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