Catch-22

What does it mean to feel your mortality at age twenty-two?

By 22 Gandhi had three kids, Mozart had thirty symphonies and Buddy Holly was dead.

That quote from "Remember Me", a movie I saw a few weeks ago, has been haunting me. I can feel every day slipping by without my doing something. Something great, or memorable, or lasting. In theory my very existence changes the world around me, but I desire more than that, and I have to ask myself why. Biology tells me that my early twenties are physically the best years of my life. I'm lithe, strong, enduring, flexible, capable of so much, and yet I'm allowing this time to slip past and around me like a ghost, and I won't get any of this time back. Ever.

I look around me at all the things others have done by the time they were my age, and I feel insignificant. Do I want to "do something" with my life just to have something to point to so my poor ego can compete? Or is there a deeper reason?

All this is not to say that I'm not enjoying life in this moment. I've had so many moments of awareness and mindfulness lately; enjoying the feel of my muscles straining during a run, feeling the difference in temperature between sunlight and shade, watching two people great each other after a long separation, concentrating on my breath as the split second between past and future, philosophizing on the nature of love underneath the stars.

But these lighting bolts of thought on mortality keep striking when I'm unprepared, and they keep me awake at night. All of my planning, my making money, going to New Zealand, seeing friends, working for Heifer....everything seems....so far away...so insignificant...and so self-serving, considering that it seems like the only thing worth doing is making this life better for others and the ones who will come after.

Gandhi said that "almost everything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."

Right now I need to believe that he's right.

A New Job? And New Music!

So I'm doing a phone interview with Heifer International on Thursday! I applied for a job as a Ranch Livestock Volunteer, which basically means I help the livestock coordinator care for the tons of animals that Heifer will eventually be sending overseas. Check out this kickin' description of the things I'd do/learn:

1. Basic needs, behavior patterns, and how to work with animals.
2. Diagnose and treat sick animals. Determine intestinal parasite loads by fecal flotation. Basic health management of livestock.
3. Basic livestock production principles.
4. Pasture management (fertilization, liming, planting, rotational grazing, etc.)
5. Repair and build electric and non-electric fences. Operate a limited amount of farm equipment. Basic farm type repairs.
7. Teach visitors about the use of farm animals and their importance in developing countries.
8. New techniques in small-scale farm enterprises.

Anyway, they need someone starting in December, and working in this position for three to six months, and then I could extend the time in the job or find another job higher up in the organization, and it would just generally be kick-ass to get this much experience with animals on my resume, and to have it with HEIFER.......would be just too cool. Everyone loves Heifer. And while I'm there I get a room at the ranch, noon meals 7 days a week, and a stipend for the rest of my living expenses. In short, I won't be making much money at all, but I need the experience and it's a great resume builder.

So, I'll try not to count my chickens before they're hatched. I think I can get this job, but I don't want to get too excited.

In the meantime, I've decided that unless something long-term comes up (like this job, but it wouldn't start 'till December anyway), I'm going to get a job around the Northfield area just to make some serious cash if I can, and the minute I hit six thousand dollars in my savings account, I'M JETTING TO NEW ZEALAND. I'm getting progressively more excited about the possibility of going there. But I require money first.

So if anyone hears of any jobs anywhere in Northfield, FOR GODSSAKE LET ME KNOW!!!

But in the meantime, check out this awesome new collaboration! They're called My Terrible Friend, and it's made up of the lead singer from the band Pomplamoose and Lauren O'Connell, who may be one of my new favorite musicians, period. Listen and smile.

EDIT: Ok, I think I might just love Lauren. She's SO GREAT. Just WATCH this, will you???
Oh Death - Lauren O'Connoll

For Those Of You Just Joining Us...

...I quit work up at Bluebird Gardens in Fergus Falls. It was the first time I've ever quit a job with no other alternative figured out and ready to take over. There were so many reasons why Bluebird wasn't the place for me, and if you read those back entries about the farm you'll see many of them interspersed with the high points. The last straw for me was finding out that we were using non-organic chemicals on the farm, which may not be a big deal for some people, but for me it is.

That's all I'm gonna say about that, because I'm sick of talking about it!

This last week has been a great time to unwind. I've been doing yoga, running and biking, stretching out all those knots in my back, catching up on my sleep, and generally chilling out, which has been REALLY nice.

But I miss my friends at Bluebird! I miss talking with Jenny in the fields (even though we got yelled at for it), thinking about the future and listening to Fleetwood Mac with Stu, talking in spanglish with Ramon and Alejandro, and so many other things!! Ramon's girlfriend Lilly had their baby back home in Peru early on Saturday morning, and they named him Rafael, which is so awesome! I'm sad I didn't get to party with them to celebrate! But I'm still keeping in contact with them, and they may come to visit soon!

As for what I'm up to next, who knows? I've interviewed at another farm, but I don't know if I'll get it, or if I should take it. I'm considering getting a job in Northfield for a while and working full time to make some serious money and then just going for the New Zealand plan. ALSO, Beth Ness is going to Scotland in September for a semester, and she's said I have a place to stay there if I want to come visit, so perhaps I should change the New Zealand plan to the Scotland plan? I'm unsure. I feel so free, but also a bit aimless just now, which is not one of my favorite feelings.

Anyway, I'll try to keep this blog a little more current now that I've recuperated. :-)