Essence

I was reminded the other day about the story of the Scorpion and the Frog. For anyone who doesn't know it, it goes like this:
One day a scorpion meets a frog on the bank of a river. The scorpion asks, "frog, will you please carry me across the river?" The frog answers "How do I know you won't sting and kill me for my troubles?" and the scorpion says "because if I sting you we would both sink and I'd die as well." So the frog agrees and they set out. Suddenly, in mid stream, the scorpion stings the frog, and as they begin to sink the frog asks why the scorpion would do this. The scorpion replied "it is my nature."

So anyway, I've been thinking about this idea of "nature," and then compounded on that came Maddie's comment on my last post about not knowing what to do with myself, which said
"have FUN. be happy and love babies and chickens and old people. love your SISTER and wash the CAR! make pasta and cruise to tunes. hug julia. laugh your silly huge laugh. dance around with little arm movements. And be calm sometimes."

So I've been posing these questions to myself: What is my nature? What am I? What do I want? What do I value (as Maddie asked in her last post)?

Generally I don't like to broadcast my introspection because I feel selfish talking about myself and writing "me me me" all the time, but hey, this is my blog, right? I get to do these streams of consciousness every once in a while.

I've just been so caught up in my own head lately. And I've found myself drifting back to parts of myself from high school that I've almost forgotten. I think of that former self as so naive in so many ways; filled with this bright hope in the future and in love. Those were the two things I used to be so sure of; that tomorrow or next year would be better, full of adventure and possibility, and that the whole world was just full to bursting with this penetrating all-encompassing love.

Now I'm not so sure.

One of the things that's bringing me back is music. I think I've said before that music is my timeline. I can hear a song and remember exactly what was going on in my life when I first heard it, and those memories are called up and in many cases are just as fresh and real as they were then. So anyway, old music + living in my own head = introspective Alison.

What is my nature?
Right this moment I feel jaded, which is a sad thing to feel at 22. Sometimes I feel like my best days are behind me, which is 180 degrees away from how I felt at 18. And yet I feel closer to 18 year old Alison than I do to the adult I try to present to people lately.

I am still full of hope. I came out of the gym today feeling like I could take on the whole world. Gotta love those exercise induced endorphins!

I am still full of love. I woke up this morning feeling like I had so much love in me that I could explode into pieces. The more I experience in life the more I'm convinced that there are innumerable different kinds of love, and if I had to give shape to this love I feel full of it would look like fire. Most of the time it just glows inside me waiting for some breath of wind to stir it up and give it a reason to burn brightly, but sometimes, like this morning, it screams through me like a wildfire and I feel like you could set anything in front of me and I'd freakin' love it to death! I'm not sure how to explain it, except to say that I've recently started to understand that I'm one of those people with an "addictive personality," meaning that I'm very easily fixated on one thing and I pour all of myself into it at the risk of ignoring the rest of life, and without an outlet for this I feel....useless? Purposeless?

I am a hopeless romantic. Enough said.

I am a believer, despite attempting to be a skeptic.

I am an optimist, despite believing myself to be a pessimist for most of my life.

I am a night owl. I do all my brilliant thinking after midnight. I went to sleep at 5am this morning and slept until 3pm. Case closed.

I am a seeker. I kind of thought this section of my life ended in high school, but it's becoming increasingly clear that I'm always SEARCHING. The object changes, but I have an insatiable (so far) urge to see what's over the next hill.

I'm 99.9% sure I'm destined to be a mother someday. Can't tell you why exactly, but I really want to have kids. That ol' bio clock must be kicking in.

I am afraid. I wish there was some way I could take this part out of me. It's a cage that I can't seem to escape, and it holds me back.

I have a really strong desire to fly. Not in a plane or anything; I'm talking fly like Superman or Peter Pan or a bird. I have flying dreams all the time. Perhaps this will lead to a career in cliff diving? Not likely considering the last comment on fear, but you never know.

I feel like the only way to justify my existence is to do something that matters. I just don't know what that thing is yet.

I have a fascination with duality. I'm one of those people who tends to see the world in a yin and yang sort of dichotomy, and yet argues the continuum of gender, right and wrong, etc. Maybe it's just that seeing everything in black and white is easier. Maybe it's more correct to say that--

I believe in balance.

I have the spirit of a warrior, a poet and a mystic. How I ended up in this century is beyond me. :-)

I'm pretty sure my eyes tell people everything about me. That's one of the reasons I had bangs for so long; easier to hind behind!

I have more self control than I credit myself for. I need to remind myself of this a lot.


Anyway, I may add to this later, but for now I just needed to get some of this out. I'll let you know if I come up with any answers to all of these questions. :-)