The Big Goodbye

One of the things I've been struggling with in the last two weeks as I've tried to write some kind of mission statement is the tension between plans and spontaneity. I feel as if, since I graduated, I've finally been able to let go of my death grip on the future being the way I want it to be. The best laid plans of mice and men, and all that sort of thing. I'm finally just going with the flow, trusting that whatever I need will come to me when I'm ready for it, and until then I'll have faith and work hard. Yet, juxtapose this with the people in my life who are asking me "what are your goals for the future?" "Where do you see yourself in five years? In ten?"

There's a tension inside me between the person who wants to have a plan, and the person who wants to free-fall.

In the end, I believe that everything happens for a reason; I can trust in my own capability to handle things; I know I have family and friends who will buoy me up when I'm feeling down; I have faith that if I keep my eyes and mind open and am willing to work, I will find more adventures and opportunities than if I tried to lay out a schedule.

On Saturday I attended Renee's Awareness seminar which is based on the work of Mary Rocamora, which is in turn based in a fusion of Eastern and Western principles including Buddhist mediation techniques and Socratic inductive questioning. The seminar was heart and eye opening, and while I was sitting there listening I began to think about a way in which I could live in an open-hearted state which is in love with the goodness in life, even while living in a realistic, task oriented culture that is not always safe.

What I came up with was this:
Goals.

I can have goals in life and in this trip; things I want to accomplish or see or experience, but these things can happen anytime. Whenever I'm ready. Whenever the opportunity presents itself. Whenever I feel the burning desire to strike one off the list. I don't have a plan, for this trip or for the future, but I do have goals. So here are the ones I've written up for my year away in the Land of the Long White Cloud...

Learn how to shear sheep
Learn about Kiwi rotational grazing
Climb to the top of a mountain
Visit Muriwai Beach
Visit Waiheke Island
Go horse trekking
Learn to surf (however poorly)
See a Haka
See the Fjordlands
Go snorkeling in a reef
See the Fox and/or Franz Joseph glaciers
Tramp one of the Great Walks
See the sunrise at Te Araroa
See the seal and penguin colonies near Dunedin
Attend an All Blacks rugby game.

So then the next question I've been asking myself is the one I've been talking so much about: Why am I going on this trip?

There are a few different answers that include "to get away from home," "to challenge myself," "to learn new things and gain experience," "to see a beautiful, one-of-a-kind country," "to find myself and who I really am" (as young adults I think we're ALWAYS thinking we'll find ourselves somewhere else), and the list goes on and on. In the end, I'm going because I feel the call. The call Buck and Thoreau felt for the woods. The call Ishmael and Crusoe felt for the sea. The call of the pilgrim, the wanderer, the vagabond. The call of the road. The call of train tracks running to the horizon.

Since before I can remember I've been called West. West was the direction in which everything lay. Even in Northfield, you have to go West on 19 to get out to the highway, and in my child's mind, once you made it to the highway you could go anywhere. At ten I planned a cross-country drive from Minnesota to California. The first country I can remember yearning for was the Australian Outback. I had a map of Australia on my wall with highlighted routes all over the country. Even the sun goes West. And if I chase the sun far enough, I'll end up back home.

Granted, I don't PLAN on circumnavigating the globe, but then again, I don't plan! If the opportunity presents itself, I may have to add it to my goals. :-)

So given all this, I leave you, friends and family, giant United States of America, with a couple of quotes.

"A journey without challenge has no meaning; one without purpose has no soul."

My destination: New Zealand. My reason: following the call. My purpose: to travel inward as well as outward in search of my path.

"When feelings are tugging at my sleeve
And I answer the call, to follow their pull
I try to remember that feelings are weather
And they can often mislead you.
I know the grass is not greener
So why do I still wanna go see?
It won't be too long before whatever I want
Is replaced by something I need.
The world keeps on spinning
Whether I'm up or I'm falling down
But whatever trip I'm on
I know it won't be long
Before I got my feet on the ground."
-Ellis

The Xena Con

I just walked out of the last day, and already I miss it. Renee said, while she was on stage today, that nobody understands what Xena fans are all about until they come to the convention, and it's so true. I mean, I've got as much love for Xena as any other fangirl, but you just don't understand the depths to which this TV show affects people, and affects YOU until you're surrounded by this kind of thing. Sure, we all know it was just a show, and a mythical, sometimes ridiculous and cheesy show, but the base of our Xenalove comes from at least three very deep-seated human beliefs and experiences.
1) We all fight darkness inside ourselves and feel the need for redemption. Xena is the pilgrim on a road to absolve herself of all the wrongs she's committed in the past, but on some level she knows she never can. As Steven Sears (one of the writers) said this weekend, there's no way she could do enough good to balance out her bad, but she spends her whole life trying to do the right thing, and the person that keeps her on this path when she stumbles is Gabrielle. Gabrielle is the light to balance Xena's dark. She's the heart while Xena is the intellect. Their balance allows them to show both sides of the human existence, and we relate to that. This is tied to...
2) Our recognition of, and desire for, true love. All though the show's writers tried to make the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle as ambiguous as possible for as long as possible, by the fourth season it's made explicit that they are "soulmates" and leave it at that for the audience to decide for themselves whether this means they were lovers or just perfect partners in all other aspects. Regardless of whether you are a "sub-er" (supporting the idea that Xena and Gabby were together), or a "shipper" (thinking they were soulmates but were actually involved with other characters), all fans agree that what these characters share is something scarce, special, and mountain-moving. We all want to believe that this kind of love exists, and this show gives us hope. If we can dream it, we can be it, right?
3) Finally, this show gives us strength we didn't know we had. Whether it's Xena facing her past and what she did, Gabrielle growing from a girl who hid behind her friend to become a warrior in her own right, or even Joxer realizing that he has a lion's heart even though he doesn't have the stuff to be the great fighter he aspires to be. This is a show about facing everything you're scared of, opening yourself to love, taking another step when you're exhausted, and jumping off that cliff. When we watch Xena, we feel like we can take on the everyday things we need to do. Heck, if Xena and Gabby can go marching into Rome to face Ceasar's injustice, then I can fly to a new country where people are super friendly and crime is minuscule. This is why the world needs heroes, and Xena and Gabrielle are ours.

And what people don't understand is the way that Xena fans are effected by these things. This weekend, for instance, almost everything that was sold went to different charities. While Britteny Powell was up on stage yesterday she started an auction for her bra (which she does every year and is hilarious) to benefit a group that helps families whose kids have cancer. When the bidding got up to 300 dollars and people started to realize that even though we wanted to help, no one person could afford to give more than that, a woman stood up and said "alright, we're making this a competition. Start passing the hats and which ever side of the room raises more money gets the bra!" Needless to say, there was a scramble towards the front of the room, people laughing and throwing money at the designated collectors, and within fifteen minutes we'd raised 2500 dollars. This kind of thing happened during all three days, and it's based in our belief that we need to do everything we can to help others. WWXD? We can't kick cancer's ass, but we can help find a solution!

Another thing about Xena fans: we're ridiculously loyal, and the actors know it. People who have been fans for years follow Lucy Lawless' (Xena) and Renee O'Connor's (Gabrielle) careers and see pretty much everything that they're in, since they're just plain awesome. Same goes for other supporting actors. They know that we support them no matter what, and so they bring us things from their recent projects because we're a good test audience. They know we'll love it just because they're in it, so they don't have to worry too much about performing, but they also know we'll give them honest feedback in a loving atmosphere. In this spirit, we got to hear original songs from Jacqueline Kim (Lao Ma) and got the first release version of her CD, which I can say really is amazing. She has a very calming presence. Renee also brought a bunch of her new work, including a short film called "Infinity" which is about a family affected by the father's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from combat in Iraq. All I can say is that it was intense, and very, very sad. When the lights came back up after, everyone was speechless, and we needed a couple of moments before we could get back to reality to talk with Renee about it. The first thing anyone asked was "What can we do for people with this disorder? How can we help?"

That's just what we do.

Anyway, this is getting long, so I won't give you a whole summery of the weekend, but here's a funny moment...

-An example of how awesome the Xena fans my age are (there were about 20 of 'em) -
Girl A: Dude, what's "Skins?"
Girl B: It's about kids having sex and stuff. And they're, like, fifteen.
Boy A: That doesn't sound like a very good example for young kids...

Damn right! We know the importance of wicked awesome role models! :-D

And here's a coupla pictures...
Me as the stage is being reset:

Lucy made a surprise appearance! Well, everyone but Renee was surprised! Here's my cheap-seats photo...
And here's a great one taken by the nice people in the front seats!

The Call

In preparation for writing my faux-mission statement, I've been reading some of my favorite adventuring books... or at least the parts of them I like best :-). Here are a few excerpts to get the feel of things.

“But behind him were the shades of all manner of dogs, half-wolves and wild wolves, urgent and prompting, tasting the savor of the meat he ate, thirsting for the water he drank, scenting the wind with him, listening with him and telling him the sounds made by the wild life in the forest, dictating his moods, directing his actions, lying down to sleep with him when he lay down, and dreaming with him and beyond him and becoming themselves the stuff of his dreams… Deep in the forest a call was sounding, and as often as he heard this call, mysteriously thrilling and luring, he felt compelled to turn his back upon the fire and the beaten earth around it, and to plunge into the forest and on and on, he knew not where or why; nor did he wonder where or why, the call sounding imperiously, deep in the forest.”

-The Call Of The Wild

“No charge or pains were wanting in my education. My father designed me for the law; yet nothing would serve me but I must go to sea, both against the will of my father, the tears of my mother, and the entreaties of friends. One morning my father expostulated very warmly with me: What reason, says he, have you to leave your native country, where there must be a more certain prospect of content and happiness, to enter into a wandering condition of uneasiness and uncertainty? … He pronounced these words with such a moving and paternal eloquence, while floods of tears ran down his aged cheeks, that it seemed to stem the torrent of my resolutions. But this soon wore off, and a little after I informed my mother that I could not settle to any business, my resolutions were so strong to see the world; and begged she would gain my father’s consent only to go one voyage… I was then, I think, nineteen years old, when I met a school-fellow of mine, going along with his father, who was a master of a ship, to London; and acquainted him with my wandering desires; he assured me of a free passage and a plentiful share of what was necessary. Thus, without imploring a blessing, or taking farewell of my parents, I took a shipping on the first of September, 1651.”

-Robinson Crusoe

“Call me Ishmael. Some years ago—never mind how long precisely—having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially when my hypos get such an upper hand of me that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can.”

-Moby Dick

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.”

-Walden

Abandoning The Nest

"I left Tangier, my birthplace, the 13th of June, 1325, being at the time twenty two years of age, with the intention of making the Pilgrimage to the Holy House and the Tomb of the Prophet. I set out alone, finding no companions to cheer the way with friendly intercourse, and no party of travelers with whom to associate myself. Swayed by an overwhelming impulse within me, and a long-cherished desire to visit all these glorious sanctuaries, I resolved to leave all my friends both female and male, to abandon my home as birds abandon the nest."
-Ibn Battua

The first leg of my journey has finally begun!
I'm writing to you from the balcony of my dad's apartment in Scottsdale, Arizona. It's about 65 degrees right now, and I'm enjoying the ability to breathe the fresh air (such as it is) without freezing to death. I ran for the first time today in about a month and a half, and last night I stood on the golf course near Gabe's house, spread my arms wide and took in the whole glittering desert sky. Even though this dry country and I have our disagreements during the daytime, it's one of my favorite places at night.

So the ball is finally rolling, and this is how I'm hoping it will go:
1) Staying at my dad's place in Arizona until the 28th of this month (Madelyn and Julia are here with me until the 17th)
2) Leaving the 28th to fly to Los Angeles, where I'll be until the 31st
3) Leaving Los Angeles on the 31st to fly to Auckland, arriving February 2nd local time, but Feb 1st in the US.
4) Spending February 2nd through the 4th (at least) in Auckland...

And from there it's anyone's guess as to what my time frame will be. I hope to stay at a Buddhist monastery in Auckland for a week, but that's not solidified yet, and then in mid-February I'll be heading down between Hastings and Palmerston for a sheep shearing apprenticeship.

In the meantime, before I actually leave the country, I'm studying, writing, and working out to get myself prepared for the arduous task of throwing sheep around in the Kiwi hill country. One of the things I've been thinking a lot about is why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'd like to follow in the footsteps of greats like Thoreau, who wrote out in the beginning chapters of Walden exactly what he was setting out to do. I need my mission statement. My opening "call me Ishmael" chapter. So that's something to come back for, when I get it written up.

Peace to you all, and I'll update again soon.

EKG

"Breath in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubt
And everybody bleeds this way, just the same.
Breath in, breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone goes away, I will stay.
We push and pull
And we fall down sometimes
But I'm not letting go, you hold the other line."
-Matt Kearney


This past week has just been painful, and for no real good reason on my part. My life is fine; I have two jobs, I live in a house which is less cold than the outdoors (though it seems pretty close sometimes), I have good friends, I have no deadly health problems, and I have a bright new adventure to begin on in a month.

BUT

I've been feeling sick to my stomach since Thanksgiving for no apparent reason, I feel up in the air and completely ungrounded mentally and emotionally, my self-esteem has tanked, and my best friend has been doing quite poorly and I'm too many states away to help and I feel like I've been channeling his pain.

Granted, most of these "buts" can be attributed to the fact that I haven't taken my anxiety medication in longer than I can remember (this wasn't a choice; I just forget to take it because my schedule fluctuates all the time), and it is, as my mom would say, my "own fault."

So anyway, I've been feeling pretty crappy lately, and it all hit me at once last night after a shift at Hogan's during which I slipped, cracked my head on the floor and spilled beer cheese soup all over myself and then had to walk home in a blizzard. It actually turned out to be a good thing that I walked because it gave me a chance to evaluate my situation and figure out how to deal with it.

At first I felt like there was this enormous pressure in my throat, radiating up through my head, and I couldn't tell if I wanted to burst into tears or scream. I just felt so screwed up and unable to do anything about it. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a fix-it person. If you just come to vent to me about how you feel, I want to quit talking and take action to make everything better. This feeling of impotence, a feeling of not being able to do ANYTHING to make myself better, was awful.

Anyway, after being trapped in this crushing vortex for a few blocks I began to breathe again and with the breath came the early tendrils of peace reaching through my brain. By the time I got home I had breathed all of the anger and frustration out of my body in big clouds of freezing steam, and everything else came rushing out in tears. It was very cathartic.

This morning I woke up tired, and with a large bump on the back of my head from that slip, but otherwise feeling like things were going to be ok. I made it through the longest night of the year, and it was painful, but I emerged on the light side feeling ready to make some changes.

My stomach still hurts, I still don't feel quite like myself, and I'm still worrying about Gabe,

BUT

I remembered to take my medicine today, I feel like I've regained the strength to begin to change bad habits, get back into yoga and meditation, count all the little things I'm thankful for, and find the moments of peace in my life that have been way too few and far between in the last month.

Things are looking up again, and I'm thankful for that. To begin, all you have to do is

"Smile, breathe and go slowly." – Thich Nhat Hanh

Worrying

So, this is the second week in a row where I've gotten very few hours at the Reub, and that makes me worry. They scheduled me two days this week, and only one next week, and that's strange after I HAD been there four days a week at least. Granted, they've hired some new people lately, but I've heard of people being forced out by having their hours cut because the boss couldn't think of a good reason to fire them. GUYS WHAT IF THEY'RE TRYING TO GET ME TO QUIT?

I guess I shouldn't care that much because even if they DO cut my hours I'm not gonna quit because I need to take what I can get, and I DO have Hogan's. BUT, I hate the feeling of not doing a job right, and the idea that I'm screwing up and nobody is telling me puts me on edge. Well, I shouldn't say NOBODY'S telling me, 'cause Jerry (one of the bar tenders/waiters) tells me what I'm doing wrong all the time. And I have this inner feeling of not being cut out to be a waitress (oh, what a loss, right??).

I know I'm being insecure, but I'm worried.

Snow Triggers Contemplation Of The Past And Future

I went to bed in the fall, and this morning I woke up in winter.

I don't remember a snowfall this early! It was totally surprising, possibly because I hadn't been paying attention to the weather. But I feel like we made a total change overnight, from colors and straw and pumpkins to white and hot cocoa and roaring fires. My mind hasn't quite had time to adjust yet. But I like it! I like snow!

For those of you that have talked to me in person, you know about my trip to L.A. earlier this week, and you know the outcome. But for those of you that don't....bummer! Apparently I'm not allowed to talk about it online.

But I WILL tell you about other cool parts of the trip! Such as the fact that I met Portia de Rossi and got her memoir (which I read all in one day) signed. And that I got to tour the Queen Mary, which is an amazing ship. And that my dad randomly showed up, so it was me and mom and dad for pretty much the whole trip, and it was weird to feel like an only child. BUT it did mean that I didn't have to pay for anything, which was nice. And actually, because of the way things worked out with the per diem I got, mom didn't have to pay much of anything either. Yay, free vacation!

Of the whole trip, I've got to say that meeting Portia was the highlight for me. She's just the sweetest, brightest person I've ever met. She lights up the room, and her sense of happiness just saturates you when you're around her. And her book was great. If you haven't read "Unbearable Lightness" yet, go out and get a copy. I've never read anything like it.

But now I'm back at the grind. Actually, this coming week won't be so bad because I don't think I have any double shifts. Maybe one, but it's doable. So work should be alright.

I'm also planning on buying my tickets to New Zealand in the coming week or two. The plan as of right now looks like this:
1) Fly to Phoenix on January 13th to visit dad and Gabe
2) Fly to L.A. on January 28th for the Xena convention (*cringe* I know, I know, I'm almost ashamed) and an Awareness seminar with Renee O'Connor
3) Fly from L.A. to Auckland on January 31st, arriving February 2nd.

So we'll see how this goes! Keep your fingers crossed!