The Big Goodbye

One of the things I've been struggling with in the last two weeks as I've tried to write some kind of mission statement is the tension between plans and spontaneity. I feel as if, since I graduated, I've finally been able to let go of my death grip on the future being the way I want it to be. The best laid plans of mice and men, and all that sort of thing. I'm finally just going with the flow, trusting that whatever I need will come to me when I'm ready for it, and until then I'll have faith and work hard. Yet, juxtapose this with the people in my life who are asking me "what are your goals for the future?" "Where do you see yourself in five years? In ten?"

There's a tension inside me between the person who wants to have a plan, and the person who wants to free-fall.

In the end, I believe that everything happens for a reason; I can trust in my own capability to handle things; I know I have family and friends who will buoy me up when I'm feeling down; I have faith that if I keep my eyes and mind open and am willing to work, I will find more adventures and opportunities than if I tried to lay out a schedule.

On Saturday I attended Renee's Awareness seminar which is based on the work of Mary Rocamora, which is in turn based in a fusion of Eastern and Western principles including Buddhist mediation techniques and Socratic inductive questioning. The seminar was heart and eye opening, and while I was sitting there listening I began to think about a way in which I could live in an open-hearted state which is in love with the goodness in life, even while living in a realistic, task oriented culture that is not always safe.

What I came up with was this:
Goals.

I can have goals in life and in this trip; things I want to accomplish or see or experience, but these things can happen anytime. Whenever I'm ready. Whenever the opportunity presents itself. Whenever I feel the burning desire to strike one off the list. I don't have a plan, for this trip or for the future, but I do have goals. So here are the ones I've written up for my year away in the Land of the Long White Cloud...

Learn how to shear sheep
Learn about Kiwi rotational grazing
Climb to the top of a mountain
Visit Muriwai Beach
Visit Waiheke Island
Go horse trekking
Learn to surf (however poorly)
See a Haka
See the Fjordlands
Go snorkeling in a reef
See the Fox and/or Franz Joseph glaciers
Tramp one of the Great Walks
See the sunrise at Te Araroa
See the seal and penguin colonies near Dunedin
Attend an All Blacks rugby game.

So then the next question I've been asking myself is the one I've been talking so much about: Why am I going on this trip?

There are a few different answers that include "to get away from home," "to challenge myself," "to learn new things and gain experience," "to see a beautiful, one-of-a-kind country," "to find myself and who I really am" (as young adults I think we're ALWAYS thinking we'll find ourselves somewhere else), and the list goes on and on. In the end, I'm going because I feel the call. The call Buck and Thoreau felt for the woods. The call Ishmael and Crusoe felt for the sea. The call of the pilgrim, the wanderer, the vagabond. The call of the road. The call of train tracks running to the horizon.

Since before I can remember I've been called West. West was the direction in which everything lay. Even in Northfield, you have to go West on 19 to get out to the highway, and in my child's mind, once you made it to the highway you could go anywhere. At ten I planned a cross-country drive from Minnesota to California. The first country I can remember yearning for was the Australian Outback. I had a map of Australia on my wall with highlighted routes all over the country. Even the sun goes West. And if I chase the sun far enough, I'll end up back home.

Granted, I don't PLAN on circumnavigating the globe, but then again, I don't plan! If the opportunity presents itself, I may have to add it to my goals. :-)

So given all this, I leave you, friends and family, giant United States of America, with a couple of quotes.

"A journey without challenge has no meaning; one without purpose has no soul."

My destination: New Zealand. My reason: following the call. My purpose: to travel inward as well as outward in search of my path.

"When feelings are tugging at my sleeve
And I answer the call, to follow their pull
I try to remember that feelings are weather
And they can often mislead you.
I know the grass is not greener
So why do I still wanna go see?
It won't be too long before whatever I want
Is replaced by something I need.
The world keeps on spinning
Whether I'm up or I'm falling down
But whatever trip I'm on
I know it won't be long
Before I got my feet on the ground."
-Ellis