In Between Times

Just when I recover from one semester, another one starts! That's the way of school, I guess, but it takes some getting-used-to after being away from academia for two years. For more info on what's going on with my program at Luther, I'll refer you to my seminary blog, but the short story is that I've officially changed programs, and I am now part of Luther's Old Testament department!

I successfully finished all my classes from last semester (getting A's in all of them!), even though I had a bit of a breakdown near the end, which, in hindsight, I realize was partially because I never let myself have any down-time. I'm being much more intentional this semester about setting aside time to not work, which is counter-intuitive to my nature, but I think I'll get the hang of it. I have Fridays off each week now, so that will help!
This semester I'm taking:
- Pauline Tradition (on the letters of Paul)
- Gospel and Epistles of John
- Hebrew Reading (basically Hebrew II)
- Prophets (with a focus on Jeremiah)
and I'm auditing the Children, Youth and Family ministry core class, just because I found the last one so helpful in my contextual education job at SpringHouse Ministry Center.

And speaking of SpringHouse, the job is going really well! I just had my half-year review, and everyone told me I'm doing a good job, even though I feel like I'm pushing them in some new directions. I'm working really full-on with all three churches in the ministry center now, and there are a lot of problems inherent in teaching kids from three different denominations all together, such as one pastor or congregation feeling like they're being ignored, or that another denomination is getting more attention in the classroom. So far the most frustrating thing is getting straight answers out of people about what I should be teaching the kids at all! For the first half of the year I created a lesson plan on comparative religions, which worked really well for everyone and I think the kids really enjoyed it! Next I'm planning out lessons to cover the Lenten/Easter season, and after that I'm going to try to formulate something that addresses some of the big questions the kids are asking me ("what is the Holy Spirit, exactly?" "why shouldn't I steal stuff from other people?" "do I have to believe in miracles to be a Christian?" and other gems). The only problem with this is that, when it comes to theology, I can only really teach what is consensus among the three denominations, so I have to generate general Protestant answers, which is sometimes difficult.

Meanwhile, in other areas, things are going pretty well post-Christmas. My job with my dad's company is still going, and I made up some extra hours over break to tide me over financially for a while. I'm working slowly towards being a financially responsible adult, and now that I have a new car (I got a new (used) car, you guys! One that won't break down on me and require expensive repairs once a month!) and a savings account, I'm doing my best, and I'm actually pretty proud of myself.

The Christmas season itself was pretty great this year. I mean, I had the flu over Christmas Eve and the day itself, which was really sad (I didn't even get to go to St. John's for the midnight service!), but I got better a few days afterward, and then Ari showed up and stayed for two weeks! We hadn't seen each other for four months, which, we both decided, was way, way too long. But we made the most of our time together, going skiing, and having her meet my family, celebrating each others holiday traditions after the fact (she taught me how to make latkes!), going to a Wolves game (my first!), and spending New Years with my friend Emmy, among other things. Here we are with latkes and after skiing:

So basically, it was a pretty great winter break. I'm sad to see it go, but also excited about the things coming up. There are several things on the horizon, one of which is me heading back to Boston for a weekend in the beginning of March to see Ari again, which is always nice to look forward to. Generally, spring is a great time for me, and I am so ready for it this year. I feel green-deprived! I can't wait to get outside and go hiking and running and breathe the fresh air and see things growing again. I wait and wait for it, but it still takes me by surprise when I go out and see the first lilacs.

Hope you're all doing well, and I'll write again soon!

Midterm Update

Hey everybody!

Well, it's midterm time at school, and I'm not even going to bother making excuses for my now-normal lapse between posts. Things are CRAZY here.
Allow me to paint a mental picture:

- I'm taking five classes at school, all of them graded. Out of context this doesn't seem like that much, but the usual course load is apparently four, and classes at Luther are automatically pass/fail unless you request grades, which of course, being the nutty overachiever I am, I did. I'm loving the classes, though! Pentateuch and Hebrew are still my overall favorites, my Children Youth and Family Ministry class is proving to be the most helpful and applicable, History is by far my least favorite, but it's still informational, and two weeks ago I had my seminar on Human Sexuality and Faith, which was FASCINATING  and I'm so glad I took it, but it was also pretty mentally and emotionally draining, and I have a big research paper to write for it that's due in December.
- My job working for Salem English Lutheran Church is going well, and I'm really enjoying it! (Take a look, I'm officially on the website!) I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time, but I'm learning how to create lesson plans, lead activities, and generally facilitate a LOT of stuff. Technically I work for all three churches that live in what we call the SpringHouse Ministry Center, so between three different small congregations there are special activities going on just about every weekend, plus I have meetings with the two of the three pastors every other week to keep everybody briefed on the program! Uffda!
- I'm still working about 12 hours a week with dad's company, and as of the beginning of October, Maddie and her boyfriend Charley have also joined the team, and we spent most of the month trying to get everybody on the same page with a lot of daily protocol. It's going much better now that they don't need me to be there every single day for training, and I'm really glad to have the income because without it I couldn't afford things like rent and groceries, but it's still a little bit stressful.

So outside of those things, I don't have very much time! I've made a bunch of friends at school, though, and we hang out over lunch periods and usually for an hour or two on Monday afternoons, and they're really fun to be around. And I still get to spend time talking to Ari on Skype most nights, which has basically been preserving my sanity. Thank goodness for a free way to spend time sort-of-together! We've gotten a system down where we occasionally just leave the video on while we do homework, and she tells me about the history of the French revolution, and I talk to her about connections between Jesus' sermons and the law codes in the Torah, and we're generally happy most of the time :-)

Lately I've been feeling like I'm dropping things, though. With all these responsibilities up in the air at the same time, I feel like the ones I've been dropping are my health and my relationships. Because I'm constantly rushing from one thing to the next, I don't have time to do anything with the attention and commitment that I'd like to, and I feel like it looks like I'm doing everything half-assed. Because I'm so fixated on doing a good job at church and getting good grades and making sure things get done with dad's company, I can't ever seem to find time to sleep, or to calm myself down after being around people and dealing with things that make me anxious. So all this has kind of resulted in waking up with headaches, sudden crashing, being sharp with people, and crying a lot. I'm trying to think myself out of this problem, but I can't seem to find anything that I can pay less attention to. For now I'm talking with people, like my mom, my academic adviser, my pastor at Salem, and others, and trying to just explain things as well as I can and see where there could be some wiggle room. I'm being forced to deal with the fact that I CAN'T deal with everything, and facing my own limitations isn't something I'm very good at. But, as one of my Sem friends says, when you want to get better at something, you practice it, and when you ask God for help with something, that doesn't mean it's going to get fixed; it means you're going to get some help practicing.

So, I'm concentrating on the moments when I DO get to settle down and appreciate the good things in my life. Like finding an awesome fall coat in a thrift store for $15 dollars. (Good segue, huh??)

Best Summer Ever

Was there ever a summer like this summer? Have I ever felt so happy and content, not in fits and starts, but consecutively, every day?

I don't think so, and that's why I haven't updated in two months! :-D
I mean, c'mon. These are the faces of happy people.

So it's taken me a while to get back to the "real life" business of being back here in Minnesota. The first few weeks were tough. I felt rootless and in transition between several different places, and I missed Ari a lot; turns out that when you see someone nearly every day for three months and then realize you won't get to see them again until January, you tend to get a little bummed out. Also, two days after I got back I began orientation week at Luther, which meant being at school from 8am to at least 6pm for five days straight, and I felt very over-peopled. It's been a while since I've had to be around people (most of whom I didn't know) all-day-every-day, and it led to some anxiety issues resurfacing, as they tend to do at these times. But we got through it, and I'm finally set up in my new apartment in Minneapolis, and I just finished my second week of school at Luther!

This semester I'm taking:
-Hebrew 101 - My favorite class! My professor is hilarious and insightful, and the language just fascinates me.
-Pentateuch - A study on the first five books of the Old Testement, also known as the Torah.
-Ministry with Youth and Family - This is a methods class to help me learn how to work with kids!
-History of Christianity: Overview - So far the subject matter is interesting, but I'm finding that I have a lot of theological disagreements with the professor. But it makes for some good discussion!
-Human Sexuality and Faith - This is a weekend seminar in October that I'm pretty excited for. Luther only offers it every-other-year, so I'm glad I made it in!

In addition to classes and continuing to work for my dad's company part time, I also just got a job as an intern for Salem Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, and I'll be working 10 hours a week with their middle school and young adult groups! This is part of a requirement at Luther; that you work in a contextual setting throughout your time at school. But of all the churches I read about, Salem was the one I liked most, and was most interested in, so I'm pretty thankful I got it!

Among other news, my car is nearing the end of its life, and no wonder after 6 trips across the country with me! But I've been a little stressed out about money lately, and that's not helping. I'm finding that I've lost a lot of my trust (and what I refer to as my "zen") about things. I haven't taken enough time lately to get back into my yoga, or meditation, and stress about money and people and time and school come together to create a pretty frazzled Alison sometimes. I'm working on trying to reclaim my zen, and grow back into my faith that all things work together for good, and that God will take care of the big picture while I take care of the small things like making sure I eat healthy and practice a bit of self-care. Now that I've gotten more firmly settled in my schedule I think things will be able to go forward with a little more ease.

Once again, the old refrain: I AM going to post more over on my seminary thoughts blog, especially now that I'm getting inundated with all these new theologies (some of which ring true for me and some of which I just can't understand at all) and I'm sure I'll have lots to say about them!

For now, though, I'll be content with this regular life update, and I hope everyone out there is doing well!

A Month In The Hills

Here I am a month into my stay in Massachusetts, and I still feel like I've jumped into a cold pool of life-appreciation on a hot day.

THE WORLD IS A WONDERFUL PLACE, YOU GUYS.

So far Ari and I have hiked about 14 miles (most of it uphill), topped three peaks, been camping twice, recorded a cover song together*, spent time starwatching and swimming, visited the adorably quirky town of Northamption, and been to see James Taylor play at Tanglewood, among other things. Of course, the regular every-day stuff has been happening as well; I'm still working for my dad's company, I've been learning how to cook with the vegetables and fruits I get in my organic produce basket every week, trying to keep from overheating when it gets above 90 degrees (there's no air conditioning in my room at the boarding house), doing laundry and paying the bills. But I feel so much more alive when I'm spending my free time outside, in a new place, with someone who I care about and who cares about me. If you've been following me on Twitter or Facebook then you've been seeing all the pictures I've been taking, but in case you haven't I'll try to make a big post full of pictures in the next few days.

I've been having all kinds of thoughts about life, and I want to start posting some of my ramblings here again, like I did when I was in New Zealand, so hopefully I'll get some time to do that in the near future. Travel always makes me more thoughtful, and in a more positive way, than when I'm at home. I'm also going to be posting some more thoughts over on the pre-seminary blog because I've been doing a lot of reading about Judaism, and I went to a class at the temple Ari's family goes to last week and hope to go to another one this week, and I'm all FULL of excitement about it. There are so many fascinating similarities and differences between Judaism and Christianity, and I love learning about all of them.

Anyway, I hope you're all well, and that you're having a good summer! Talk to you soon!

*Here's a clip of that song. :-)

Berkshire Bound

Hey, everyone!

As I sort of hinted, I'm about to hit the road again, so I thought a new post was in order!

Here's the summer plan: I just packed up and moved out of my place in Minneapolis, and I'm going to be spending the next three months in western Massachusetts! There will be much hiking and camping, swimming and reading and nature-lovin', and generally having fun in the sun with this girl:

This is Ari. I met her while I was out visiting Mike and Dita in February, and then went back in March so we could see Eisley (her favorite band, and one of my new obsessions) play in Boston!

When she's not in school, she lives in a small town in the Berkshires, RIGHT ON the Appalachian Trail, which I've been wanting to see since I read Bill Bryson's A Walk In The Woods about eight years ago. Now I'm finally gonna go check it out! I'm bringing all my camping and hiking gear, and in between my work hours and on the weekends I plan to explore as much as I can. I'll be renting a small room in a big old Victorian house from June 3rd until the middle of August (though I'll be back for Dita's wedding in the end of July!), and I'm pretty excited about that as well.

Not to mention the road trip to get there! I'll be leaving on May 31st and I'll be on the road for three days, making my way through Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania and New York before I finally reach Massachusetts. It's a lot of driving by myself, but I'm stocked up on music and audio books, and I'm ready for the trail again. Hopefully by the time I get back for school in the fall, my wanderlust will be sated for a while.

Hope you're all doing well!

Patience

I took this picture on September 26th of last year. I’d just read these words somewhere (I never did write down the source), and they resonated with me. Even though, at the time, I was feeling pretty directionless and cruddy, I felt like I was on the edge of discovering something wonderful, if only I could be patient long enough to watch it unfold.

Cut to eight months later, and I’ve met several amazing people who have literally changed my life; made it more friendly and exciting, full of love and opportunities for growth, music and words and sunlight. I’ve moved up to the Big City (and I’m about to go explore a whole new state), learned how to deal more effectively with my anxiety, and gotten into a graduate program that I’m enthused about to a really dorky extent.

And yet even now, this morning, as I looked at these words still taped to my bedroom mirror, I’m feeling it again; like there’s something great waiting for me. I know there will be rough patches and disappointments and bruises and tears, because that’s part of life, but today, in this moment, I am unbelievably excited about the future. I just have this feeling that the next couple of years are going to be great. I don’t know what they’ll be like yet, but I can tell that they’ll be filled with that unfathomable beauty.

24 Going On 12

Hey everyone!

I hope you all had a good Easter weekend! I sure did! It was a jam-packed couple of days in Alison land, because Saturday was my birthday, and then Sunday was Easter, and there was just so much going on!

I wasn't really planning anything to celebrate turning 24, but my amazing friend Emmy was having none of it, and when I tossed out the idea of going to an arcade, she hopped on board and took over the wheel, to GREAT success. She and her super awesome girlfriend, Kristi, picked me up a little before ten on Saturday, and she had the whole day planned.

First, we went to the Loring Bar for brunch (fruit-covered french toast with caramel sauce for me) and bottomless mimosas, which was AMAZING. Brunch food truly is the best food. And the waiter even brought us free cake when he found out it was my birthday!

Em also surprised me with three seminary-related books, which I'm very excited about. I started reading one of them, "Manna and Mercy" by Daniel Erlander, which is basically an illustrated walk through the bible, and it's already one of my favorite things.

Next we headed to the Mall of America, and after wandering around Barnes and Noble (drooling over books) and the American Girl store (reminiscing over dolls) for a while, we took to the arcade and got in touch with our inner 12-year-olds. Air hockey, pac-man, DDR, Guitar Hero, skee-ball, basketball and many others were played.

Emmy and Kristi kicking ass at DDR:

By the end of our almost-three hours at the arcade we had a fist full of tickets that bought us candy bracelets and temporary dinosaur tattoos. TOTALLY WORTH IT.

And then I remembered something that one of my favorite writers does on her birthday; she finds something she's afraid of. Keeping in mind the fact that I was in the middle of an indoor theme park, I decided there was no good reason not to try to conquer my fear of roller coasters, and rides in general. We got on what USED to be called "The Ripsaw," back when the park was known as Camp Snoopy (I'll never let that go), and even though I was so nervous I'm pretty sure I almost broke Emmy's hand (she offered to hold mine, and I stoically refused...until the coaster took off), I TOTALLY loved it. This shouldn't really come as a surprise, because I like things that go fast, but I was kind of amazed that I liked it as much as I did.

Emboldened by the success on the coaster, we promptly got in line with the little kids for a turn on the Kite Eating Tree, which is a swing ride that pulls you up into the air and spins you around, and then took pictures of each other while we waited for the kids to get strapped in.

By that time all three of us were pretty mall-ed out, and Em and Kristi had to get back for choir, and I had to head for Northfield, so we called it a day, but I've gotta say that it was THE best birthday I've had in a few years, and I'm hoping I can return the favor when Emmy has her birthday towards the end of the month. We'll see what I can come up with.

So far, being 24 isn't too different than being 23, except that this year I'm starting to worry about things like taxes and settling down and being a grown-up, but the more people I talk to, and the more opportunities I run across, the more alright I am with letting my life stay open to possibility. There are a lot of great things in my life right now, and a lot of things to look forward to in the next few months (including going to Luther, now that I'm officially accepted!!)!

LIFE IS GOOD, YOU GUYS, no matter how old you are. :-)

I live in Minneapolis now! And other news.

Hey everybody!

I don't really have a lot to say, off the top of my head, but I thought I'd just do a quick bullet point life update post!

• I moved up to the Seward neighborhood of Minneapolis on Jan 1st!
• I live with two awesome people, Neil and Roni, who are in their last year at the U of M, and Roni's adorable puppy named Kene.
• 
• I'm still working for my dad's company, and I'm very thankful for my ability to pay bills and set my own hours, but I'm still on the job hunt for something in my field of interest.
• Because of a bunch of administrative junk, I'm still waiting to hear back from Luther on whether or not I got into seminary. I should know in the next couple of weeks!
• I got to go visit my friends Dita, Mike and Ari in Boston two weeks ago, and I had a great time checking out the city! Go check my tweets (right hand side bar) if you want pictures!
• I came back from Boston with a bad cold, which I'm only now finally recovering from. It was a bummer, but I'm happy I'm back to feeling like a normal human now!
• Also, I'm trying to update my seminary thoughts blog more often, so there may be new stuff over there if you haven't checked recently.

Alright, I think that's about it! I hope you all are doing well, and I'll talk to you later!

A New Direction, or an Old Calling?

Hey everybody! Long time no see!

And I have news! Remember how I was having such a hard time figuring out what to do next, life-wise? Well, I've got an idea. Here's the long-short story:

About six months ago, when I got back from New Zealand, I started talking with Peggy Hanson about how St. John's needs a new youth minister. Peggy, who is one of my dear friends, a member of St. John's, and also my baptism sponsor, pushed me to check out the job because of my experience teaching summer bible school. Working with the preschool through fourth graders for that one week a year has always been one of my favorite things, and I thought this idea might bear some looking into. After doing some research, however, I found that I wouldn't really be qualified until I had at least a certification in youth ministry, and even if I found a way around that, I wouldn't personally feel like I had enough knowledge to be dealing with high schoolers, especially as they go through confirmation. So this idea went back up on the shelf.

Meanwhile, since I got back from down under, I've been trying to recapture the easy faith I felt as I traveled. Even though I showed up in the country with a plan, after my time at the shearing sheds I basically just went around hoping that the next day would bring something good, and it always did! When I felt like I couldn't take the atmosphere of the sheds anymore, I met Ann and Murray through church, and they took me home and gave me a family. When I needed someplace to stay in Wellington, I met Ann and Murray's daughter Bridget, and she and her husband showed me around. When I arrived on the shore of the South Island I looked around and hopped the Stray bus, not sure what I'd find, only to meet the most amazing group of people who ended up defining my whole trip. Some days I didn't know where I'd sleep that night, but hostels always worked out. Some days I didn't know if I could stand the loneliness of being on the road, but someone always came into my life with kind words and a hug.

And I prayed. A lot. On the bus, at night before I went to sleep, in hard places and in beautiful ones. Sometimes they were Ann Lamott-type prayers, made up of "help, help, help" or "thank you, thank you, thank you," but they always came from deep inside me, and I always felt that they were heard.

Travel has a way of making you feel like life is made up of bright colors and deep feelings, but when you get home the stability and occasional boredom of "real life" dulls everything again. The trick, for me, at least, is to live life like you're on the road all the time, no matter what physical space you inhabit.

For the last few months I've been in that post-travel phase where everything seems dull, and you can't scramble fast enough to get back the highs you felt while abroad. All of the searching and grasping at water slipping through my fingers has made me feel pretty lousy, but it's also made me throw up my hands, sit down, and listen.

And when I did that, back in late September, I felt the niggling feeling of something at the back of my neck. I started thinking again about St. John's, and the youth there, and my feelings about the church, and my faith, and about ministry. It was a lot to think about. In the first week of October I went up to the visit days at Luther, which is the ELCA seminary in St. Paul. It was a two day event, and my feelings about the whole thing went like this:
Day 1-
Morning - Oh my gosh, this is so freakin' cool! I want to take all the classes, read all the books, soak all of this in at once!
Afternoon - Ok, theoretically, this would be cool, but how would I pay for another two years of study? Money, money, money. Worry, worry.
Evening - I don't even care. This feeling is amazing. Look at these people coming together to learn and teach and love and strengthen the church!

Day 2-
Morning - Ok, back off, you're just excited about this because you're here right now. Get some perspective.
Afternoon - OH MY GOSH THE RARE BOOKS ROOM. Breathe, breathe, try not to get too excited about talking Constantine and getting to take Hebrew. This is where I'm supposed to be!
Evening - Absolute cognitive dissonance.

I wanted so much to give in to the overwhelming feeling that I was in the right place, and that seminary was the right thing, but I was paralyzed by the fear of making a wrong move. I'd spent the last four months agonizing about career paths and possibilities that I'd tangled myself up in the idea that if I made the wrong choice I could...I wasn't even sure! End up living in a box on the side of the road? I don't know. But when I went home that second night, I felt my heart pulling toward seminary and my brain frozen and full of thoughts of loan repayment and job prospects.

I gave myself a week to think it all over, and as that week progressed I got more and more excited, and more and more sure.

So the end of this story is that I'm currently almost finished with my application to Luther Seminary for their Masters in Youth and Family Ministry program, and even though I still have doubts (still mostly based in money-worry), I've given up and given in to that pull inside my chest. If they'll have me, I'll start at Luther in September.

In the meantime, I've been reading a lot, talking with a couple of friends, and discussing faith and theology, and I've been wanting some place to write that out, so I'm starting a new blog. This will still be my main page, and I'll still write here when I have a life update, or when I travel, but the new blog will be specifically for faith-related stuff. So join me over there if you feel like it!

I hope you're all having a good day, week, month, and so on. It's finally snowing here in Northfield, and I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving in five days, and then...CHRISTMAS! Or rather, Advent, starts next Sunday!
Peace!

A Getaway, A Refusal, The Present, And Happiness

Hey everyone!

Well, around the time of that last post back at the beginning of the month I decided I just needed to go somewhere to get a bit of that wanderlust out of my system. On a whim I called up my best friend Gabriel and asked him if he felt like road tripping it to Nashville with me. He said he was absolutely down, so the next step was to call my lovely step-sister Jessi and ask if we could crash on her floor for a couple of days. One week later Gabe and I were rolling down the river road, following the Mississippi, windows down and hearts full of music.

It felt great to get back on the road again, and I enjoyed every minute of our trip down there and back almost as much as I enjoyed actually experiencing Nashville. On the way down we camped in Hannibal, Missouri, which is Mark Twain's home town, and I got a chance to geek out about seeing places like Jackson's Island that I've been dreaming about since I was about seven years old. Huck Finn IS my second favorite book, after all, trumped only by Peter Pan. Gabe didn't really understand my excitement, but he played along when we found Tom Sawyer's fence, which stands next to Twain's boyhood home.

Anyway, Nashville was great, and we spend the time there hearing as much music as possible. We checked out famous guitars stores, spent WAY too much money at the record stores, heard live music at a couple of different places, ate grits and drank sweet tea, toured Andrew Jackson's plantation, and spent a little time with Jessi and her husband Chris, which I was really glad about since I wasn't able to go to their wedding (because of being halfway around the world, ya know). And I got to feel like I was getting in touch with my Southern roots, even though my family's from South Carolina. All in all, a very successful adventure.

Then, back to Northfield, where I reveled in my new vinyl collection and got back into the swing of desk work. Still not my favorite thing. But at least, I thought to myself, I have a chance at getting the Americorps job I went out for in June.

So this job (I'm not sure if I'm mentioned it before) is to help teaching and tutoring in the elementary schools in Northfield, and it included such benefits as, you know, paying, and giving experience, and putting one's loans on hold. A good deal, really. Interviews were in June, but with the government shutdown they weren't able to confirm anything until just this week, and it turns out that even though the program was promised funding for ten different positions in the school district, they were only given enough for three in the end.

And the long and short of it is that today I found out I didn't get one of those positions. This bummed me out quite a bit at first, as it was the only solid lead I've had on ANYTHING in what seems like ages. Jobs are hard to come by when you don't want to flip burgers or work at Target. But I'm choosing to look at this as just another shove along my path. Clearly this job wasn't something I was meant for, but I did my best, and now I'm moving on.

Moving on to what, I'm not sure, but I'll get there.

And in the meantime I've thrown all extra energy into getting in shape. I've been doing it in sort of a leisurely way up until two weeks before I left for Nashville when I got a pass up at the Lakeville Lifetime Fitness and got serious. I've been building and building and making progress, and at this point I'm running four miles every other day with 15 minutes of strength training, and on days when I'm not doing that I do 30 minutes of crosstraining/conditioning and run a mile and a half. I allow myself one day off per week for that day when I just have no motivation whatsoever. Other than that, I lace up and go out whether I feel like it or not.

And I can feel the changes already. Not in numbers on a scale (those things are freakin' stubborn!) but in the way I walk, in the strength and confidence I have, in my optimism, and in the way I treat myself.

So things are good, even though they're not the way I would have planned them. I read something the other day that really sums up how I'm feeling about Right Now:

"I'm clearing my heart of ghosts lately; I think I need room for something else. I don't know what it is yet, but it's going to be unfathomably beautiful. I wake up every morning and smile because I know I'll get to see it. It's going to be that beautiful."

Wanderlust/Frustration

I’ve got the itch again. I have to get out of here. Every time I leave, I see the things that I miss, and I come home, vowing to remember that all the things I need I already have. Flash forward four to six months and I’m packing my bags in a cold sweat, filling up the tank or standing in line at customs, because as long as I keep moving I’m in the current with time and I can quantify my achievements each day in miles traveled or countries crossed off my bucket list. When people ask “what have you been doing since graduation?” I can tell them I’ve lived in other places, seen things most people dream of seeing, done things most people don’t end up doing, and I feel like I can be proud of that.

But inevitably I get footsore and stumble back into my small town, grateful for the lilac smell in the spring, the days in the river in summer, the crispness of the air in fall, or the snow at Christmas. But being here means standing still. It means looking at what people have accomplished while I’ve been gone, and seeing their hard-won stability next to my head-strong resistance to monotony. My heart is equal parts lust for change and love for consistency.

I forget who said it, Emerson, possibly, or C.S. Lewis; that humans require a consistency in life in order to not be overwhelmed by the universe and go completely insane, but we also abhor boredom, and so we require change to stimulate our minds. Luckily, be it by divine providence or only by chance, we have the seasons. We know more or less what to expect depending on the month, and are comforted by that knowledge, but we also welcome spring each year with as much joy as if we hadn’t seen it before. Perfection.

And these are my seasons; leave, remember, return, ache.

Ache for a plan, a purpose, a reason to do this over that. Ache for the road, until I find these things. I leave with open eyes and hope of finding them, end up miles away wondering if I just forgot to pack them and become convinced they’re sitting on my bed at home, waiting for me. Only to return to find that they’ve left minutes before my reentry. It’s the least Zen thing about me, this always running off to catch something that feels just out of reach.

But what else can I do?

Really, Alison, what else can you do?

I could sit on my hands and ignore my wanderlust. Keep working this job, get another one to pick up the slack time and make some more money. Make enough to move permanently out of my parent’s house and into a place of my own. Hope that time will reveal this purpose I swear I must have. But the meantime is lonely; the way things are now, I spend a lot of time by myself.

I could go to graduate school, but to study what? Things that truly interest me, like classics or composition? Or something that may help me get a less boring job, like journalism or wildlife management? (The fact that those two possibilities seem leagues apart highlights my general indecision.) In the end, though, there’s no guarantee of a job, but there would certainly be more debt. And this would be my way of postponing making a decision. Only a placeholder in time.

Or I could take that road again. Without a plan, without enough money to last me any great length of time. I got good at trusting to faith and luck while I was away last time, and even though I missed a few meals I was never without a bed and some interesting new people.

All I know is that time is moving, and I’m standing in the middle of the stream feeling it wash past me, taking seconds of my life away with every ripple and splash of the current. Either I will be washed away somewhere with it, or I will charge upstream until I exhaust myself. But I can’t stand anymore.

Home Again, Home Again

Hey everyone!

So, you know what? I usually apologize for not writing, but right now I'm really enjoying the fact that the recent absence of posts has caused most people to forget that this blog exists. It gives me something close to a clean slate again.

Because this isn't going to be a news post. If you've heard anything at all from me since I got back from NZ (and I'm really sorry if you haven't; I'm going to go into a whirlwind of email replies shortly) then you know I've been back for about three months, and I've spent most of that time job hunting, getting discouraged, trying to figure out what I want to "do with my life," and deciding that I'd better use this in-between-time constructively and at least get back in shape. Oh! And I cut all my hair off 'cause it's been unbelievably hot. The weather, not my hair. See?

But anyway, like I said, this is not a news post. This is an "Alison writing about life and plans" post.

First of all, I'd like to introduce you to two new best friends that I am inspired by, but haven't actually met in real life. First, Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote "Eat Pray Love." I'm currently reading this book, and so much of it is reminiscent of my life at the moment, forgetting, of course, that Liz is in her mid thirties and I am only twenty-three. Right now I'm connecting with her mainly because I need reminders that everyone, no matter at what age, at some point (and some people at many points) have times in their life when they think "what am I doing??" Watching, or rather reading, Liz going through these things comforts me. Her book has a "light at the end of the tunnel" feel to it, which is something I need right now.

Secondly, there's Dylan Hart, who writes lots of things, but I've been mostly in love with her blog posts recently. She's twenty-six (or twenty-seven now?) and she's currently living in Costa Rica. After college she spent a few years being in a confused in-between place like me before finally saying "screw it, I'm going traveling!" She's a published author and she has some design jobs and things she does on the road, but in general she's another person who I look to to say "don't worry, you don't need to have everything figured out." One of the things I love about her is that she writes the way we talk. And by we, I mean that she uses the colloquialisms that are inherent in my group of friends. She makes herself very understandable. And she's brilliant. Click that link and go read her post about plans.

And between reading a lot of these two lately and thinking about the the concept of "plans" and "life purpose," my brain's been a bit preoccupied. What it comes down to is this: I'm 23 years old and I feel the pressure to "make something of myself." I've had plans, like Dylan when she says

"The big picture is hard. It's vague and BIG. It always feels just out of reach, but like you've got it completely under control. 'I will be married in three years, have a best seller and an adorable little adopted baby boy.'
Probs not, Miss Hart. Probs not."

Sometimes you just have to say to yourself, "probs not, self. Probs not." But this is only with plans that are specific in outcome and vague in the description of what effort will be needed. I love plans. I like mapping things out. But it's more for reactionary purposes than anything else. I think "well, here I've made three plans. Which one do I like best? Which one makes me the most enthusiastic?" and then I try to go after the end result with a willingness to work hard and the knowledge that I have no idea what's going to happen along the way.

But my problem recently is that I don't know which plan to go after. For reference to this, see my post last March in Wellington. Today, though, it dawned on me that all of my plans are regarding getting a job, establishing a career, and "becoming an adult." Given this, it makes sense that I'm having trouble because of two things; 1) subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, I don't want to be an adult. 2) I'm confining my choices, and therefore in my head the entirety of my future (though I know that what I chose now isn't forever), to a very small space. What I'm saying to myself, theoretically, is "self, do you want to be a doctor or a lawyer?" when all my inner self most wants to do is go skydiving in Mongolia.*

Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

So here's the real question: Do I want to just pick a career direction and go with it just to be moving? Or do I stay here in this space, reading, thinking, asking questions, living at home with my parents and making minimal money working for my dad for a while longer?

If option 1, then I need to close my eyes, spin around in a circle and point in a direction and attack it. If option 2, then I need to make peace with the fact that living with your parents can be a trial as well as a blessing; I need to accept that doing the work I'm doing for my dad isn't fulfilling for me, but that it is temporary; I need to find a way to deal with the stress of not having health insurance and being a financial burden to my parents for a while longer; and most of all I need to find a way to deal with my own feelings of inadequacy for not getting the fuck out of the nest (excuse my language) and becoming one of those "productive members of society" my nagging inner voice is always talking about.

So there you are. Is there a third option that hasn't presented itself to me? Are these my choices? And what about skydiving in Mongolia?**

For today I'm ok with thinking and reading and praying. But what about tomorrow?


*Just for reference, I want none of those things.
**No, really. I hate heights. This is for visualization purposes only.

In Which I Give Up On Trying To Catch Up On Text Posts And Just Make A Video

And I'm sorry that this video begins with a Mr. Rogers moment. I was just having too much fun with the guitar to be bothered to put it down.

I'm also sorry that your volume is going to have to be full blast to be able to hear my babbling. The whole house was asleep. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Kaikoura

Another quick picture post! Kaikoura (made of up the Maori "kai" meaning "food," and "koura," meaning something like "of the sea") is famous for it's wildlife and, oddly enough, it's seafood. There's a HUGE ocean trench right off shore which they call the Whale Highway, along with a coral reef sort of thing, that all comes together to create a GREAT place for whales, dolphins, seals, sea lions, fish, turtles, and all kinds of stuff!

And I went on a whale watch! It was AWESOME, and we saw FOUR sperm whales! For those of you that don't know, that's effing rare.



Whale tail!

Mt. Cook

I made it up to Mt. Cook after Queenstown, and it was pretty amazing. I had a cold (and honestly I was still a bit sore from my scaling of Ben Lomond) so I didn't try any of the walks, but I DID get to see the Sir Edmund Hillary museum, which was super cool! Mt. Cook is the tallest mountain in NZ, and it's what Sir Ed practiced on for Everest.

"It is an act of worship just to sit and look at a high mountain"
-Sir Edmund Hillary

Part of the memorial to all the climbers who have died in the attempt.


Me and the man himself, life size. I ALMOST measure up.

The sun hitting the mountain range the morning we left.

Milford Sound

Alright, here are a couple of picture posts of the last few things I did before I got back up to Auckland! First, Milford Sound. Which is actually a misnomer, as a sound is a riverbed that the sea has eventually flooded. It's ACTUALLY a fjord, which is a part of the sea that's had land raised up through it. *pushes nose bridge of dorky glasses*

HERE WE GO

There's no way to show the scale of this place. Just imagine craning your neck up and STILL not being able to see the top very well.


There are so many waterfalls!

Here's the bottom of one...


Here's the famous Miter Peak, which is apparently the most photographed mountain in New Zealand!
Just. Beautiful.

Going North

“I love the road, and I’ve been blessed, but I love you best!”
-Caroline, by Brandi Carlile

Guys, I’m coming home! I’ve changed my plane ticket to May 10th, so I’ll be back in about a week and a half! First, let me just say, I’m really excited about this.

But I also feel compelled to explain my reasoning a bit. Which is lame, ‘cause I shouldn’t have to explain a desire to come home after traveling for three and a half months, but because my visa is valid for a year, and because I’ve met so many people who have been on the road for many more months, and some even years, I feel like I should explain.

When I first set out, I told everyone I didn’t know how long I’d be gone, but it’d probably be between six months and a year. The reason I had no idea what the time frame would be was because I had no idea what I was looking for, or where I’d end up, or what I’d be doing. The reality of it is that, as much as I love the road and feel its call pretty constantly, it’s also pretty hard to be packing your bags and moving on every day, especially alone, and I’ve come to really respect people who do it for a living. But my reasons for coming back aren’t based in my travel fatigue, so much as in the following:

1) Money, cost of living and timeframe – Guys, it is WICKED expensive to live in this country. You have to budget 10 to 15 dollars per meal even to just get something small (even a cheeseburger value meal at McDonalds is $8), at least $25 for a paperback book, $2.50 or so for a small candy bar… you get the idea. So just living and paying for food and accommodation will deplete your wallet pretty fast, even WITH the exchange rate (which is going downhill pretty fast), and if you add any activities on to that, well… The long and short of it is that I worked like a dog at two jobs in the States for six months, and that amount of money lasted me three in NZ. I planned on getting a couple of jobs here, and I did, but earning minimum wage is not enough to fund travel. It’s enough to get you food and lodging if you’re working full time, but that’s pretty much it. In order to make enough money to travel around some more I’d have to work like a dog here for another six months, and I’m just not prepared to do that because

2) just like I felt the call out here, I’m now feeling the call home. There are things I’ve wanted to accomplish, and I HAVE done 3/4ths of them (or will by the time I set food in the States again), and there are things I couldn’t have expected, and they’ve changed me. All travel changes you, if you let it, but quests and pilgrimages like this one are especially prone to revelation and rebirth. Because I feel changed, and like I’ve gained a lot from what I’ve done and learned here, I feel like this trip has fulfilled its purpose. It’s as simple as that, and yet I can’t explain exactly what those changes are and exactly what I HAVE learned partly because they are too personal to make real for someone else, and partially because I don’t know yet fully what the end result is or will be.

Does that make sense? Probably not. But if you end up in deep conversation with me when I come back, as I know those of you who I’m closest with most definitely will, I’ll be able to explain a bit better. I’ve had layers of my dragon skin pealed away; I’ve faced several challenges, mental, physical and spiritual, and come out on top; I’ve rediscovered a self that I haven’t seen hide or hair of since I was young, and while I still have a ways to go on one issue that I’m currently dealing with, I feel stronger than I have in years.

But even when I come home, my journey isn’t over. First of all, homecoming is just as much a part of the quest as leaving it. Arnold van Gennep, one of anthropology’s founding fathers, said that any rite of passage or pilgrimage is made up of separation, ordeal and reintegration. So I’ve still got one stage left, at least! Secondly, what a lot of travel will make you realize is that whether you’re in your own country or half-way across the world, there are pilgrimages to make, mountains to climb, things to discover… The fortunate or unfortunate thing about this truth is that it often TAKES a trip to the ends of the earth to realize this. And I think that’s ok, because at least in my case, I always want to see what’s over the next hill, even if it IS just as cool as what’s in my backyard.

Anyway. The gist of all this is that I’m coming home. And I’m excited about it!

I’m excited for late spring/early summer. I’m excited to be in tune with the seasons again. I’m excited for services at St. John’s. I’m excited for high tops, having more than three changes of clothes, having a room of my own to lie down in at night, space to do yoga, cheaper food (especially chocolate!), maple trees, being able to sing at the top of my lungs in my car, driving down the stretch of highway 19 between I35 and Northfield, FREE INTERNET, constant access to a library, hearing Maddie making the whole house loud, bubble baths, sitting and taking with mom and Lance before bed, seeing the sunrise out my East window in the morning and falling asleep in the glow of the streetlight at night, sitting and being slightly frustrated with sitting while listening to Gabe muck around with a guitar, giggling like mad with my sisters when dad says something particularly hilarious, moving my chickens back into the yard for the summer (if they haven’t been moved already!), having more control over what and when I eat and exercise, being able to do laundry WHENEVER I WANT, walking in the arb, biking around with my ipod on, going to the Co-op, being able to talk to people on the phone, going camping with my new tent (I plan to do that a lot this summer!), eating breakfast in the sunny kitchen, ETC ETC

I’m excited. Can you tell? But don’t worry, there will be a long list of things I’ll miss about New Zealand coming soon. And also updates with things like the Fjordlands, Mt. Cook and Kaikoura. :-)

The Moments

“For the pilgrim, the traveler with a deep purpose, this is the moment of truth, when the search for the real takes you to a place that pierces your heart.”

-The Art Of Pilgrimage

These are the moments that have pierced mine:

The afternoon I went hiking in Tongariro National Park, and spent hours sauntering, then running, then climbing through the thickest greenery I’d ever seen. With my green shirt and camo shorts I felt like I became part of the forest, whipping through the trees with my pack light on my shoulders, ears following the sound of trickling streams, eyes pealed for the birds that flew kamikaze fashion across the path in front of me. Every moment was pure joy, every straining muscle was a song of thankfulness, every touch of the plants on my skin as I passed was a blessing.

The moment I walked into the white church in Dannevirke and sat down in a pew, listening to the music and the prayers of the people for the first time in what seemed like ages. I felt so far from home, and yet here, on the other side of the world, my heart recognized a similarity, and for a moment the pain of distance and the comfort of the familiar washed over me and left me unable to stop crying. I spent the whole service in tears, as waves of emotion rolled over me and smashed me into the bedrock of who and what I am; a soul bound in flesh, who aches to shed the barriers of skin and bone and join a greater chorus. It wasn’t sadness, and it wasn’t happiness. It was a coming home.

The day I decided to climb Ben Lomond I faced another layer of what I’ve come to call my “dragon skin.” On the hill up to the start of the path I thought “wow, this is rough. Maybe I won’t go all the way to the top.” On the first few miles of the trail through birch forest, with my Achilles tendons feeling like they were about to snap, I thought “maybe I’ll just go up to the tree line.” After I broke out of the forest and into the sunlight with miniscule snowflakes falling down around me I stopped to marvel, and to have lunch, and thought “maybe I’ll just go back after I’m done eating.” But I didn’t. These negative “I can’t do it” thoughts haunted me all the way up that mountain. Every time I’d get to a point when I had to just stop and breathe, I’d look up and convince myself that I was just going to go a little farther, just to that next hill, just to that next boulder, just to that next turn in the path. Finally I made it to Ben Lomond Saddle, the base of the mountain’s tip, the place I told myself I’d be proud of if I could just make it there. And then I looked up and saw how close the top was, and looked down at my exhausted body, my bruised knees and blistered feet and said “I can’t go back now.” I forced myself up that last precipice, occasionally scaling it with my hands and feet because the boulders and the incline wouldn’t let you up any other way, but up I went. The moment when I finally touched the cairn at the top and looked around, breathless, I felt like time stopped. I’d done it. My heart felt like it might stutter to a halt at any moment, I felt like I’d been run over by a truck, but my mind was flying out over the endless expanse that spread out below me. I threw my fear, my doubt and my pain off the top of that mountain, and I came down clean.

Wander Lonely Through The Woods

Brandi Carlile - Have You Ever

Have you ever wandered lonely through the woods?
And everything there feels just as it should.
You're part of the life there,
You're part of something good;
If you've ever wandered lonely through the woods.

Have you ever stared into a starry sky?
Lying on your back you're asking why
What's the purpose, I wonder who am I;
If you've ever stared into a starry sky.

Have you ever been out walking in the snow?
Tried to get back where you were before,
You always end up not knowing where to go;
If you've ever been out walking in the snow.

If you'd ever been out walking you would know.

Ben Lomond

Just a quick post with pictures from the mountain I climbed yesterday. The memory of doing this is going to stick with me. There were three separate times when I sat down and thought "I don't think I can do this. I think I have to turn around." But I didn't. I got to the top of the highest point in the area. It was a pretty intense experience.

The path up once I broke the treeline. That's Ben Lomond. Ufda.


Got to a bit of a plateau...


There's Queenstown, waaaaaay down there! And here's my typical "I don't know what I should be doing in this picture" face.


Two thirds of the way up, and I've still got the worst part ahead of me:



But I did it! Here's the cairn at the top to prove it!

And here's one of the views from the top. I'll show you more when I get home! :-)