It's A Random Thoughts And Feelings Post!

Written next to a crackling fire in Abel Tasman
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I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow I've stumbled into Neverland. It turns out that it's not a place, it's a state of mind; a feeling of unsettlement; a traveling; a collective mind. This group of half-grown children from numerous countries all share a sense of displacement. We all feel forced from the nursery and into a dusky in-between where we have no solid ground. So we travel, we take a gap year, an overseas experience, a break from real life. We have vague ideas of what we'll do when we get "back home," but even as we say the words we wonder inwardly where home is. Home rings two tones for us, one a call of comfort, the other a clanking of chains. Perhaps it's only us, a priveliged section of humans growing older in a new millenium, but we would rather spend time wondering where the next meal will come from, what the next sunrise will bring, than serve the certainty of a paper-strewn desk. As one colorful bohemian related over the neck of a battered guitar, "I would do anything for money except work." But my university education and knowledge of human nature won't let me naively claim this feeling as my generation's alone. There are too many revolutions and renaissances in the history books that say differently. Surely the youth of the bored French aristocracy felt much as we do, and what does that say about us? But surely the starving artists of 14th century Italy felt these things as well, or we would not see our faces so clearly in their brushstrokes. The question remains, will we live our whole lives in this medial state? Some of us might. And some of us will step through the misty curtain to another world. But this Neverland will always be a part of our story.

Walking
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I do all my best thinking when I'm walking. Hiking through the forest, sometimes out of breath, sometimes sauntering along, listening to music or listening to the birds; it clears out my mind and lets me see clearly. It reminds me of things I already knew, but had forgotten, and it zaps me with insight when I'm most receptive. Soren Kierkegaard said "Above all, do not lose your desire to walk: Every day I walk myself into a state of well-being and walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thoughts." Nietzsche said "Never trust a thought that didn't come by walking." I completely agree. Whenever I feel lost, all I have to do is move my feet.

Purpose
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When I was getting ready to come to New Zealand I spent a long time trying to figure out what my motivation was. I read and thought a lot about it, and decided that ultimately I was heading to New Zealand in search of myself, because I felt a call. What I realized in the last week, with the help of some awesome new friends, is that I'm NOT looking for myself. I already AM. That's not the problem. What I really aim to do is to strip away all the things in my past, in my mind, and in my point of view that cover over the core of that being that I am. That's why I've always found the image in C.S. Lewis' 'Dawn Treader' where Aslan rips off Eustace's dragon skin so powerful. I'm covered in that same thick hide, made up of past grievences I couldn't let go, fears I was too afraid to face, and other layers I haven't found out about yet. I've only been in NZ for two and a half months, but already I'm feeling those dead scales peeling away and I'm letting the truth and love of who I am shine through. I'm passing through a fire, here, and I can't wait to see my reflection on the other side.