EKG

"Breath in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubt
And everybody bleeds this way, just the same.
Breath in, breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone goes away, I will stay.
We push and pull
And we fall down sometimes
But I'm not letting go, you hold the other line."
-Matt Kearney


This past week has just been painful, and for no real good reason on my part. My life is fine; I have two jobs, I live in a house which is less cold than the outdoors (though it seems pretty close sometimes), I have good friends, I have no deadly health problems, and I have a bright new adventure to begin on in a month.

BUT

I've been feeling sick to my stomach since Thanksgiving for no apparent reason, I feel up in the air and completely ungrounded mentally and emotionally, my self-esteem has tanked, and my best friend has been doing quite poorly and I'm too many states away to help and I feel like I've been channeling his pain.

Granted, most of these "buts" can be attributed to the fact that I haven't taken my anxiety medication in longer than I can remember (this wasn't a choice; I just forget to take it because my schedule fluctuates all the time), and it is, as my mom would say, my "own fault."

So anyway, I've been feeling pretty crappy lately, and it all hit me at once last night after a shift at Hogan's during which I slipped, cracked my head on the floor and spilled beer cheese soup all over myself and then had to walk home in a blizzard. It actually turned out to be a good thing that I walked because it gave me a chance to evaluate my situation and figure out how to deal with it.

At first I felt like there was this enormous pressure in my throat, radiating up through my head, and I couldn't tell if I wanted to burst into tears or scream. I just felt so screwed up and unable to do anything about it. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a fix-it person. If you just come to vent to me about how you feel, I want to quit talking and take action to make everything better. This feeling of impotence, a feeling of not being able to do ANYTHING to make myself better, was awful.

Anyway, after being trapped in this crushing vortex for a few blocks I began to breathe again and with the breath came the early tendrils of peace reaching through my brain. By the time I got home I had breathed all of the anger and frustration out of my body in big clouds of freezing steam, and everything else came rushing out in tears. It was very cathartic.

This morning I woke up tired, and with a large bump on the back of my head from that slip, but otherwise feeling like things were going to be ok. I made it through the longest night of the year, and it was painful, but I emerged on the light side feeling ready to make some changes.

My stomach still hurts, I still don't feel quite like myself, and I'm still worrying about Gabe,

BUT

I remembered to take my medicine today, I feel like I've regained the strength to begin to change bad habits, get back into yoga and meditation, count all the little things I'm thankful for, and find the moments of peace in my life that have been way too few and far between in the last month.

Things are looking up again, and I'm thankful for that. To begin, all you have to do is

"Smile, breathe and go slowly." – Thich Nhat Hanh

Worrying

So, this is the second week in a row where I've gotten very few hours at the Reub, and that makes me worry. They scheduled me two days this week, and only one next week, and that's strange after I HAD been there four days a week at least. Granted, they've hired some new people lately, but I've heard of people being forced out by having their hours cut because the boss couldn't think of a good reason to fire them. GUYS WHAT IF THEY'RE TRYING TO GET ME TO QUIT?

I guess I shouldn't care that much because even if they DO cut my hours I'm not gonna quit because I need to take what I can get, and I DO have Hogan's. BUT, I hate the feeling of not doing a job right, and the idea that I'm screwing up and nobody is telling me puts me on edge. Well, I shouldn't say NOBODY'S telling me, 'cause Jerry (one of the bar tenders/waiters) tells me what I'm doing wrong all the time. And I have this inner feeling of not being cut out to be a waitress (oh, what a loss, right??).

I know I'm being insecure, but I'm worried.

Snow Triggers Contemplation Of The Past And Future

I went to bed in the fall, and this morning I woke up in winter.

I don't remember a snowfall this early! It was totally surprising, possibly because I hadn't been paying attention to the weather. But I feel like we made a total change overnight, from colors and straw and pumpkins to white and hot cocoa and roaring fires. My mind hasn't quite had time to adjust yet. But I like it! I like snow!

For those of you that have talked to me in person, you know about my trip to L.A. earlier this week, and you know the outcome. But for those of you that don't....bummer! Apparently I'm not allowed to talk about it online.

But I WILL tell you about other cool parts of the trip! Such as the fact that I met Portia de Rossi and got her memoir (which I read all in one day) signed. And that I got to tour the Queen Mary, which is an amazing ship. And that my dad randomly showed up, so it was me and mom and dad for pretty much the whole trip, and it was weird to feel like an only child. BUT it did mean that I didn't have to pay for anything, which was nice. And actually, because of the way things worked out with the per diem I got, mom didn't have to pay much of anything either. Yay, free vacation!

Of the whole trip, I've got to say that meeting Portia was the highlight for me. She's just the sweetest, brightest person I've ever met. She lights up the room, and her sense of happiness just saturates you when you're around her. And her book was great. If you haven't read "Unbearable Lightness" yet, go out and get a copy. I've never read anything like it.

But now I'm back at the grind. Actually, this coming week won't be so bad because I don't think I have any double shifts. Maybe one, but it's doable. So work should be alright.

I'm also planning on buying my tickets to New Zealand in the coming week or two. The plan as of right now looks like this:
1) Fly to Phoenix on January 13th to visit dad and Gabe
2) Fly to L.A. on January 28th for the Xena convention (*cringe* I know, I know, I'm almost ashamed) and an Awareness seminar with Renee O'Connor
3) Fly from L.A. to Auckland on January 31st, arriving February 2nd.

So we'll see how this goes! Keep your fingers crossed!

Not Really Upside Down. More Like...Cockeyed.

Dang it, I had such a nice plan worked out! Work here until January, then go see Gabe with Dad, then go to Heifer at the end of January until the end of May, then work through the summer, and head to New Zealand in October 2011.

Buuuuuuut, I just heard from Heifer that because of downsizing they can't afford to have any more volunteers before next May at the earliest. So that kind of changes things. On the upside, that frees me up to go to New Zealand earlier, but that means that instead of breaking the working for money up into two chunks, I'm going to do it in one chunk, and I'm already feeling a little burnt out.

I don't know what it is (maybe I'm just having an off day) but I feel like my life is out of balance. Based on next week, I'm going to be working from 10am to whenever the Reub lets me go (sometime between 8pm and 2am) four days a week, with a possible fifth day. On the one hand, I feel like a wimp for whining about this when the hours total somewhere around the usual 40-50 hour work week, but on the other hand, I don't want to sign my life away to being a waitress for the next six months or so.

I already don't have time for working out, and I'm feeling sick because of some meds I'm on, and I have no social life to speak of because none of my friends live in Northfield anymore...

And this is fast turning into a whine fest, so I'll stop! Life really is good, and I'm doing well over all, but I feel out of balance. That's the bottom line.

So how do I fix this?

Fitness, Food, And The Primal Blueprint

It's My Half-Birthday! Keen!

Well, let's see.

I've been to Phoenix and Las Vegas since I last updated, so you know there's got to be something to say.

Last Thursday I jetted off to see my good friend Gabriel in Phoenix, AZ, and he picked me up at the airport and dropped me off at a Starbucks and the Phoenix public library for a few hours while he was at school. We spent Thursday night catching up, sitting on the golf course near his house, and staring at the stars. Friday morning came with a wonderful flurry of getting-on-the-road-ness, and we wound our way through the desert, seeing Joshua trees and other deserty things on the way, not to mention some amazing mountains and the Hoover Dam, which was a pain in the neck to cross because of traffic. Through all this the music was on full volume and Gabe and I were having a great time singing along and making random stops when we found something cool.

Then Vegas. Friday night, Saturday and Sunday we stayed with Paige, Willie and Paige's roommate Gavin who are all spectacularly awesome. Fun was had by all, but you know what they say about what happens in Vegas.

I WILL say, though, that Vegas has AMAZING food. Wow, did we eat at a lot of great places. Yum!

So then on Sunday Gabe and I headed back late afternoon and drove through the desert at night, which is something I don't think I'll ever forget. I have rescinded all of the bad things I've said about the Southwest; at least it's beautiful at night. I kind of wish that drive would have gone on forever.

But we ended up back in Phoenix, and I spent Monday at the house stealing Gabe's music and watching Incubus in concert DVDs. Alright, I admit, I really like them. After the boy got back from school we headed out to meet his family (including his super cute niece who's two!) and then off to dinner with his uncle and out to see "Easy A," which may be one of my new favorite movies. Emma Stone is great.

Then on Tuesday I got up, got dropped off at Starbucks and then got my new tattoo about ten minutes before I got in the car to go to the airport. Ta da!

It's a heart chakra symbol called an "anahata." The outside is a lotus flower with twelve petals which represent twelve sacred sounds in meditation. The star is actually two triangles representing male and female and the middle ground in between. The symbol in the middle is to remind me to breathe, be aware, and live with an open heart. I really like it.

So anyway, I flew home and now I'm back with my nose to the grindstone, working at Hogan's and the Reub. The only news to report there so far is that one of the managers at the Reub (who really stressed me out and was a bit mean) got fired over the weekend, so that's sort of made the place feel a little different.

In other Northfield news (but sad!) I saw that one of the white squirrels near my house got hit by a car today. I'm not sure if he (or she) is ok, but the person that hit it got out of the car to tend to it, so hopefully it was just stunned.

ALSO, now that I think about it, the biggest news I have is that I've decided to take the job working with Heifer. It means I'll start on December 20th down in Little Rock, Arkansas and be down there until mid-May. I called my contact there to confirm today, but she was out of the office, so I'll try again tomorrow. Anyway, it's a big decision, but I feel like it's the right one, even though it means I'll be postponing my trip to New Zealand this way. It's an amazing chance, and I can't pass it up. Let's hope everything goes well on that front.

As for the next few days, I'm working, as usual. I plan to get a haircut tomorrow, though, which is exciting! I'm also considering dying it red again, which I haven't done since....jeeze...freshman year of college, I guess. We'll see. And a bunch of Lance's relations are coming to stay this weekend, which means the house will resemble a can of sardines for a while. AND because I'm working, I'm missing out on the traditional Norwegian dinner out at my great-uncle's church on Saturday, which is the suck, but maybe Maddie and Julia can smuggle me some krumkake and lefse.

OH, and I plan to be baking my ass off whenever I'm not working for the next few weeks, as
YES FOLKS, FALL IS HERE AGAIN, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

APPLE DISHES OF ALL SORTS AND HOMEMADE DOUGHNUTS!

I can feel my diet being ruined already.

Eulogy For Our Dog

Cricket was our first family pet. Before her I remember having goldfish that lived in a bowl in the bathroom, and which we killed one after the other with frightening accuracy. But they didn't count.
From the moment we saw her, shivering and scared, huddled in the back of her kennel in the kitchen, we were in love. She'd flown all the way from Chicago for us, and when she finally did become comfortable in our home she was the object of much attention (as well as the subject of much arguement). Maddie and Julia and I all wanted to train her, to play with her, to teach her tricks, but the only two things she got really good at were shaking hands and barking when we said "speak!" No luck with sit, stay, come, or lie down commands ninety-nine percent of the time. She loved to run like crazy the minute we let her off the leash or out of arms length, to sleep curled up in the sun (or on any soft and kooshy surface), and to pace like some kind of sad tiger when she didn't know what else to do.
People always commented on how skinny she was, but to us she was perfect. Even though she had the sad eyes of a hound, we always knew when she was happy because of her perked ears and happy howl. I'll still howl for you when I come in the door, Crick.
But because our family split apart a few years after her arrival, she became more than just a dog to each one of us, I think. To my sisters and I, or at least to me, Crick became a protector and comforter, much like Nana in Peter Pan. She knew how to make us feel better when we were sad or sick by sitting next to us and letting us know we'd be ok. I cried into her short white fur on more than one occasion during the divorce and let her know in no uncertain terms that I was mad about the whole situation. She would lick my face and tell me that it didn't matter, and that she loved me anyway.
Even now, when we've all mostly healed from the turmoil, she was able to bring us together one last time to say goodbye. Dad and I drove together and carried her into the vet's. The five of us; Dad, Mom, me, Julia, and Maddie who was there in spirit, all cried together and as we stood there I was so grateful to our little Cricky dog for gluing us together even after we were broken.
Thank you, Crick, for being such a sweet presence in our life. Thank you for comforting us, keeping us company, getting us outside, bringing us together, taking care of us, and for shedding all over the furniture, peeing on the rugs, keeping us up at night with your howling, digging holes in the backyard, and for loving us to pieces, unconditionally.
We're going to be ok, but we will always miss you.

Work, Trip, 1/3rd Of The Way To New Zealand!

So here I am in Northfield, wondering, as always, what I'm gonna do with my life.

Well here's what I'm doing right now!

I'm working at Hogan Brothers' pretty much every day over lunch, so come visit me there! And I'm working between 3 and 5 days a week at the Rueb over dinner and sometimes until close at 1am, so you can also find me there! If it's super busy at either place I'll just wave!

I'm also working out like a fiend in attempt to get all fit and capable of tying myself in knots and doing impressive amounts of push-ups. In order to achieve this I'm attending a kickboxing boot camp class twice a week (on top of my regular workout), which is currently causing me some deliciously agonizing muscle burn.

And in direct conflict with this I've been going up to the Olive Garden with Ken once a week (we're trading off paying) for endless salad and breadsticks! Delicious!

And MOST exciting of all, I've just bought tickets to go to Phoenix to visit Gabe Sept. 30th through Oct. 5th! I'm gonna chill with him for a few days, then we're gonna road trip over to Las Vegas to visit Paige! I'M SO EXCITED. Even though it's the desert, and I hate the desert, these people are worth it.

So my long term plan is still the same: I'm working to make enough money to go to New Zealand to study agriculture and work over there for a while. But for now, I'm just enjoying... now.

Also,

THE NEW ZEALAND FUND IS 1/3RD COMPLETE!

In my quest for six thousand dollars for the trip, I have now earned over 2,000!!! Yay!

Getting Up To Speed

Video Entry About Work And Other Various And Sundry Topics

Video Blog!

Love that it ends with me sticking my tongue out.

A Quick Plug For Readership

Hey y'all!

Just an FYI that I've started a new blog at http://writing-hathan.blogspot.com/ to complement this journal, and I'll be posting writing from a new project over there once a day. I've also put a link up on the right hand side of this page under "Other Blogs." I thought about putting it up here, but this is really my day to day journal sort of thing for people who want to keep up with what I'm doing, and it seemed right to have somewhere separate to post creative writing practice. So anyway, there it is, and I'd love to get feedback if you ever feel like reading in your spare time.

Thanks!

Another "End Of An Era" Moment

Tonight was the last night hanging out with Gabe. I just don't know what I'm gonna do without him. He's the guy I can call in the middle of the night and know he'll want to hang out, the guy who will go outside and play with me when I'm feeling childish, and the guy who'll bike miles and miles with me without saying a word because we're both too wrapped up in our music. I haven't had a guy friend who I can pal around with, no pressure, and who I know this well, in a long time, and I'm gonna miss him a lot. I wish him the best of luck in his new life in Arizona, and I hope he'll come back soon!

That's making me feel some pre-loneliness, knowing that I won't have a buddy on-call at all times.

In other news, though, I'm in the midst of a legal battle over a motorcycle, and that's all I'll say about that right now. Other than the fact that I have some burns and bruises on my legs that hurt like the dickens. Major bummer.

And I still don't have a job. I was thinking about that in the shower today (where I do most of my brilliant thinking) and realizing that although I'm frustrated at not having a new job, I feel that I made the right choice in leaving Bluebird. I trust that what I need in life will present itself, and it will be up to me to act.
But there ARE prospects! I don't want to say anything else now (in case I jinx it!), but there ARE prospects!

I still don't know what I'm doing with my life, but I've got a crushing grip on hope.

Catch-22

What does it mean to feel your mortality at age twenty-two?

By 22 Gandhi had three kids, Mozart had thirty symphonies and Buddy Holly was dead.

That quote from "Remember Me", a movie I saw a few weeks ago, has been haunting me. I can feel every day slipping by without my doing something. Something great, or memorable, or lasting. In theory my very existence changes the world around me, but I desire more than that, and I have to ask myself why. Biology tells me that my early twenties are physically the best years of my life. I'm lithe, strong, enduring, flexible, capable of so much, and yet I'm allowing this time to slip past and around me like a ghost, and I won't get any of this time back. Ever.

I look around me at all the things others have done by the time they were my age, and I feel insignificant. Do I want to "do something" with my life just to have something to point to so my poor ego can compete? Or is there a deeper reason?

All this is not to say that I'm not enjoying life in this moment. I've had so many moments of awareness and mindfulness lately; enjoying the feel of my muscles straining during a run, feeling the difference in temperature between sunlight and shade, watching two people great each other after a long separation, concentrating on my breath as the split second between past and future, philosophizing on the nature of love underneath the stars.

But these lighting bolts of thought on mortality keep striking when I'm unprepared, and they keep me awake at night. All of my planning, my making money, going to New Zealand, seeing friends, working for Heifer....everything seems....so far away...so insignificant...and so self-serving, considering that it seems like the only thing worth doing is making this life better for others and the ones who will come after.

Gandhi said that "almost everything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."

Right now I need to believe that he's right.

A New Job? And New Music!

So I'm doing a phone interview with Heifer International on Thursday! I applied for a job as a Ranch Livestock Volunteer, which basically means I help the livestock coordinator care for the tons of animals that Heifer will eventually be sending overseas. Check out this kickin' description of the things I'd do/learn:

1. Basic needs, behavior patterns, and how to work with animals.
2. Diagnose and treat sick animals. Determine intestinal parasite loads by fecal flotation. Basic health management of livestock.
3. Basic livestock production principles.
4. Pasture management (fertilization, liming, planting, rotational grazing, etc.)
5. Repair and build electric and non-electric fences. Operate a limited amount of farm equipment. Basic farm type repairs.
7. Teach visitors about the use of farm animals and their importance in developing countries.
8. New techniques in small-scale farm enterprises.

Anyway, they need someone starting in December, and working in this position for three to six months, and then I could extend the time in the job or find another job higher up in the organization, and it would just generally be kick-ass to get this much experience with animals on my resume, and to have it with HEIFER.......would be just too cool. Everyone loves Heifer. And while I'm there I get a room at the ranch, noon meals 7 days a week, and a stipend for the rest of my living expenses. In short, I won't be making much money at all, but I need the experience and it's a great resume builder.

So, I'll try not to count my chickens before they're hatched. I think I can get this job, but I don't want to get too excited.

In the meantime, I've decided that unless something long-term comes up (like this job, but it wouldn't start 'till December anyway), I'm going to get a job around the Northfield area just to make some serious cash if I can, and the minute I hit six thousand dollars in my savings account, I'M JETTING TO NEW ZEALAND. I'm getting progressively more excited about the possibility of going there. But I require money first.

So if anyone hears of any jobs anywhere in Northfield, FOR GODSSAKE LET ME KNOW!!!

But in the meantime, check out this awesome new collaboration! They're called My Terrible Friend, and it's made up of the lead singer from the band Pomplamoose and Lauren O'Connell, who may be one of my new favorite musicians, period. Listen and smile.

EDIT: Ok, I think I might just love Lauren. She's SO GREAT. Just WATCH this, will you???
Oh Death - Lauren O'Connoll

For Those Of You Just Joining Us...

...I quit work up at Bluebird Gardens in Fergus Falls. It was the first time I've ever quit a job with no other alternative figured out and ready to take over. There were so many reasons why Bluebird wasn't the place for me, and if you read those back entries about the farm you'll see many of them interspersed with the high points. The last straw for me was finding out that we were using non-organic chemicals on the farm, which may not be a big deal for some people, but for me it is.

That's all I'm gonna say about that, because I'm sick of talking about it!

This last week has been a great time to unwind. I've been doing yoga, running and biking, stretching out all those knots in my back, catching up on my sleep, and generally chilling out, which has been REALLY nice.

But I miss my friends at Bluebird! I miss talking with Jenny in the fields (even though we got yelled at for it), thinking about the future and listening to Fleetwood Mac with Stu, talking in spanglish with Ramon and Alejandro, and so many other things!! Ramon's girlfriend Lilly had their baby back home in Peru early on Saturday morning, and they named him Rafael, which is so awesome! I'm sad I didn't get to party with them to celebrate! But I'm still keeping in contact with them, and they may come to visit soon!

As for what I'm up to next, who knows? I've interviewed at another farm, but I don't know if I'll get it, or if I should take it. I'm considering getting a job in Northfield for a while and working full time to make some serious money and then just going for the New Zealand plan. ALSO, Beth Ness is going to Scotland in September for a semester, and she's said I have a place to stay there if I want to come visit, so perhaps I should change the New Zealand plan to the Scotland plan? I'm unsure. I feel so free, but also a bit aimless just now, which is not one of my favorite feelings.

Anyway, I'll try to keep this blog a little more current now that I've recuperated. :-)

Oh My Gosh, There's A World Outside The Farm!!

It was so nice to get away this weekend with my mama, and she still holds the title of best mom ever in my book, even though we like to give her crap.

I left work early (4pm) on Saturday and drove down to St. Cloud, jamming and singing along to music the whole way, which made me feel a lot better about things in general. Of course, I had to have the windows down the whole way because of the sour milk smell, but I didn't mind. It was just so great to be FREE!!!!

That's something I need to remember here. I've "loosed myself from limits and imaginary lines," and setting up invisible walls for myself and getting run down by work has stifled my mental freedom lately. It's great to know that the world is still out there, ready to be explored, and that even if I am here and I might not like some of it, I'm still free in my own mind. I think some former president said something along the same lines, but I don't remember which one. Maybe Lincoln.

ANYWAY, mom and I flopped at the hotel for a bit, and then went out for Chipotle and a nice talk, and then to Barnes and Nobel to look at books and get our internet on. I bought three books, despite not having much money, because I'm quickly running out of things to read here at the farm. So here are the new books!
-Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig
-Tales of a Female Nomad by Rita Golden Gelman
-Seven Years in Tibet by Heinrich Harrer

And then we went back to the hotel for bed, as I was exhausted.

This morning I got to sleep in until I woke up by myself at about 9:45, just in time to watch the England v. Germany match, only to see my wonderful Three Lions lose! It was pretty darn heartbreaking.

To get over this terrible defeat, I took a long hot shower (oh my gosh, water that stays hot instead of fluctuating to ice cold every few seconds! And that comes out of the shower head in a nice spray!) which was just fantastic, and then we went out to breakfast where I got whole wheat french toast.

Then back to Barnes and Nobel to look up some job possibilities and be tempted by a nap in a sun-drenched comfy chair. For a late lunch we went to Red Lobster and I got somewhat local Walleye from the Great Lakes. And those delicious cheddar biscuits!

And then I hugged mom goodbye and drove back to the farm on as many back-road scenic highways as I could find and marveled at the beauty of Minnesota lake country. It's so pretty up here. There's a lake among rolling hills and birch trees not more than 20 minutes from here that I may go spend some time at if I'm ever not too exhausted.

So overall it was a great weekend-day thanks to my mommy, great food, long sleep, gorgeous country, and good music. Thanks, world!

Still Exhausted, But Happier

"Carry on my wayward son,
There'll be peace when you are done.
Lay your weary head to rest,
Don't you cry no more."

Seriously, is there a song with a better chorus and killer guitar licks? Kansas made my whole day better as I was driving home from the stand. I was tired and hot and still in a bit of a funk, but in four minutes the universe spoke, and I knew everything would be alright. Perfect.

After talking with family and friends, I've decided that as long as I act with honestly, courage and conviction I will be ok with any decisions I make regarding staying here or quitting. Right now I've finally gotten my second wind and things are looking up, so I'm going to keep on truckin' here at Bluebird, but I'm also going to keep a weather eye (and ear) out for other job opportunities that may pay more and require less than all of my willpower and strength being sapped from me.

Ok, that was an exaggeration. :-)

But I'm feeling pretty good right now, and I'm excited because I'm going to meet mom in St. Cloud tomorrow for a fun day and a half! It's going to be a welcome break from the farm, and a good time to get in a car by myself and sing loudly for a couple of hours.

But while I'm on the subject of my car, does anyone have any good suggestions for getting sour milk smell out of a trunk? At the beginning of the week I took a bunch of people in to the grocery store, and Sam forgot a gallon of milk in my trunk, which promptly exploded and rotted in the heat, and now my car smells terrible. Halp!

Disenchantment

We're all talking about disenchantment today. We're tired, and dirty, and sore, and we feel like we spend half our time doing things that don't matter. Like spending 3 hours weeding the huge bean field, only to have Mark come up and say "oh, that's too far gone. I was just going to plow it under."

Ugh.

We're all feeling it. Yesterday and today were the worst, and I wasn't even working here. I was at the stand. Still, the hot sun beating down on you, the aching knees and backs, the innefficiency of so many things around here....

It's depressing.

Still, we power through. We spend the nights painting, reading, running, daydreaming, doing things to coax our good humors back long enough to make it through another day. It's hard. The novelty has worn off, and I'm waiting for my second wind.

I still love farming, but we're all a bit fed up with the inefficient, time-wasting and money-wasting ways of our boss and his wife.

I'm finding myself dreaming about New Zealand.

Sleepy Time

I sit down at night and want to write all about my farm days, but I'm just too exhausted to make any coherent sense!

So here are the most important details as of late:

-I convinced Mark that the industrial Cornish Cross chickens we have right now are worthless and WAY more trouble than they're worth, and so we've ordered new, more sustainable, heritage chickens for our next batch in July! I feel very proud of this accomplishment.

-We rescued six industrially raised northern white pigs from a life in cages on concrete and brought them to a big fenced yard under a shade tree where they can rut in the dirt, eat fresh vegetables, run about and play, and they're so happy! Bill, Stu, Jenny and I just sat watching them frolic around for about an hour yesterday. They didn't even know what to do with dirt at first, 'cause they'd never been outside before! They're gonna make great use of our wilted veggies and chicken guts, and will eventually become bacon, but for now they're pretty darn cute.

-There are daily discomforts and victories, but overall I feel good about the work I'm doing here. It's hard and tiring, but I'm happy, and this weekend Dad and Maddie and Julia are coming to visit, and then all of us interns are going to have a Solstice party with a big bonfire on Sunday night, so I'm excited for that. Things are going well, and even though I miss home sometimes, I'm having increasingly more "this is where I'm supposed to be" type moments.

But now it's getting late, and I've gotta go to bed. I hope everyone's doing well! Comment and let me know what's up in your part of the world!

I Wanna Knit You A Sweater, Wanna Write You A Love Letter, Wanna Make You Feel Better, Wanna Make You Feel Free

Oh my gosh, Duluth is awesome! It's so full of trees and rocks and water and crashing waves and soft sand and big metal bridges and heavy log cabins and people who love music and good food. It's like visiting a whole different part of the country, and WHY on earth haven't I been there more often in my life?

Well anyway, above is a picture of Jenny (invisible in hood), Bill and Stu, as we walked downtown on the first afternoon. We worked at the farm until noon, then headed out and got to Bill's stepdad's house in Duluth about 5pm. Then a delicious dinner of chili (Bill's homemade recipe) and cornbread, then out to the sauna in the backyard (a tiny room made of cedar logs, heated by a big woodburning stove with stones on top) until we sweated out all of the week's work, and then we dove into Lake Superior to cool off. Run back to the sauna, have a drink of water, and repeat for about two hours. It was HEAVEN.

As Maddie and Julia if you want to know how the inflection sounds on that last sentence.

Then we went to a brewery and had a drink, and by that time it was midnight and I was exhausted, so I went back to the house and fell asleep under a down comforter on a very comfy carpeted floor. Slept for about ten hours (such a treat!) and woke up to the smell of french toast. Had a big breakfast of said toast and homemade maple syrup (have I mentioned how Bill and his family are into making everything from scratch?? So great.) and then went for a long walk on the beach by myself. It was the best morning I've had in a long time. Life was just perfect for those few hours, and I couldn't think of anywhere I'd rather be.

Then we visited Duluth's co-op and the Electric Fetus where I bought Blue by Joni Mitchell (yes, I know I could have gotten it from one of the many people I know who have it, but I really wanted my own hard copy. It's SUCH a good album.) and a vinyl version of Snow Patrol's album A Hundred Million Suns since Jenny was bringing her record player back from home. OH, and I saw a chocolate shop with a whole window full of covered apples!!

So we hung out on the beach for the rest of the day and then had a dinner of buffalo burgers and headed back to the farm, freshly laden with Bill's canoe, Jenny's record player, a twenty pound bag of wild rice, and a fresh sense of peace to carry into the new week. It was a superbly relaxing weekend.

But then of course the first thing I go and do this morning is get one of the Bluebird trucks stuck in the mud and have to have Mark pull it out with the tractor when he's already in a bad mood. It was a pretty terrible start to the day. But it got better! Today I harvested radishes, cleaned and bleached the packing shed to get it ready for the CSA veggies, washed lettuce, kale, spinach, cucumbers and onions, and spent the afternoon putting up fencing for the young chickens to keep them from running into the road (they'll run after any human that moves near them, even if they're in a car). I also helped turn an old horse trailer into a makeshift chicken coop, built some perches and fenced in a small area for the sick chickens to live in, since we have to move them out of the pig pen they're currently living in since the new pigs are coming on Wednesday! Poor sick chickens. At least they'll have a nice place to live while they're getting better!

Oh. And I ate rabbit today for the first time. I couldn't refuse, since Zach shot it and Ernest cooked it up with a Ghanan recipe and was so excited to have everyone try it. It would have made him really sad if I didn't have any. And you know, if I lived in the woods and needed meat I don't think I would mind having rabbit be part of my diet, but as it is I don't need the meat, and I just couldn't stop thinking about the cute little bunny it had been before it died. Rabbits are just special to me. I don't think I'll eat it again for a while, at least.

So tomorrow is another CSA day, so it'll be an early morning, and it looks like it'll probably rain for most of the day. Thankfully I finally broke and bought a pair of big rubber work boots at Fleet Farm today (adult boots cost 25 bucks, but the same boots in the kids section in size 8 only cost 15! Bet you can't guess which ones I bought...). So for now I shall finish up my cup of peppermint tea and maybe try to do some yoga before I go to bed (there's no big, clean floor space to do it here, so I've been slacking off lately).

I hope all is well with you, dear reader.

Some Thoughts

I'd like to write a more structured post, but right now I'm just so tired I think I'll just bullet point some things I've been thinking lately.

- I'm beginning to understand why so many farmers became enamored of technology! There's so much work to do, and it's all a pain in the knees, back, feet, neck, arms and legs. I've become constantly physically exhausted and sore, and even though that sounds terrible it actually isn't that bad when you look back down the rows in the field and see what you've done. The work is worth it, but it's really HARD work, and I've been learning sympathy for farmers who've taken the easy way out with herbicides and pesticides, even though I wouldn't do those things myself.

-Our last crew member showed up tonight, her name is Samantha, and I took an immediate dislike to her that I can't figure out. It's strange how you can have a connection with someone, or have the instinct to steer clear of someone, even without talking to them much. For instance, I feel like Ramon and I share some kind of secret language even without talking. We always smile at the same things and seem to communicate more when we're not faced with a language barrier. On the other hand, Sam just exudes something that I don't really like, and I can't put my finger on it. I'm trying to get over it and just act normal, but she puts my shields up at full force for some reason, which is strange because she's very friendly and outgoing and generally cheerful. It's a mystery.
And if ANYONE can tell you about mystery, it's Hugh Laurie.

-I saw my first bluebird at Bluebird Gardens the other day! It was really pretty! I also saw another bird this morning that I remember seeing in the bird book when I was younger. I think it was called a "ruby-throated" something or other, but it isn't a humming bird. It had a seed eater beak and a splotch of bright red on it's throat.

-In other animal news, we're getting pigs next week! I know, mom, it's not cool. But they'll be cute little piglets for a while! Just like Wilbur! I'm going to be the female version of Lurvey the hired man! Now if only we could get a goose to come live next to them and say "probably-abably-abably!"

-The Bluebird Gang (me included) is heading to Duluth this weekend! Bill's family lives there, and Jenny's house is on the way, so we're gonna take a nice little road trip through northern Minnesota. It'll be fun, I think! We're leaving around noon tomorrow and coming back Sunday night.

-I have despaired of ever getting clean again. My hands are now permanently stained earth colors.

-I think I've come to realize (yes, it's only been a week, so this might change) that I'm an animal farmer. I just don't have the enthusiasm for vegetables and plants. I realized yesterday as we were piled on one of the fourwheelers coming back from the beets, that I was so excited about the long grass in the ditches that could be turned into hay, but not really at all interested in the beets. I would much rather work with the frustrating chickens than tie up tomato plants. For now, that's just the way it is. But I think this is a valuable insight! We'll see how I feel after we have to butcher the pigs and chickens.

-You know a plant that IS great, though?? Clover. Clover can be used as a cover crop, putting nitrogen back in the soil, or you can plow it under for green fertilizer, or you can cut it for hay or mulch, or you can let chickens into it to eat, or you can just leave it out there to grow and the honey bees will love you forever! We were working out in a field that has clover in it as a cover crop and the honey bees were thick as flies! It was great to see so many bees going about life despite Colony Collapse Disorder, and knowing that they're all going back to a hive out in the woods to make honey. I love bees. And clover.


Well, I'd better head off to bed. We're starting at 6am every day now, and that means a twelve hour work day. But not tomorrow, 'cause we're getting off at noon to head to Duluth! Yay!!

Uffda.

Today was a tough-y, as grandpa Milt would say.

We got up at 5:30 and started work at 6 so we could get the truck with the CSA orders out before 9, which we successfully did despite having to harvest a bunch more mixed lettuce and romaine at the last minute. Compared to last Tuesday (the first day of the CSA, which was total chaos) today ran like clockwork, but it still meant lots of being wet all day, heaving through ankle-deep mud in the fields, and lifting and loading and dumping various heavy boxes of produce. I am exhausted. I actually fell asleep on the couch in the boy's house waiting for dinner (which was a Peruvian dish made by Ramon! Delicious!).

Last night was my night to cook and I made spinach lasagna with fresh spinach and from-scratch noodles thanks to my pasta machine! It was a big hit with everyone, and I'm proud that I got the recipe, which I got from Dita, right on my own, having never made it without her before. For my next meal I'm gonna try making Mom's stroganoff recipe if I can call her sometime this week to ask for it. Having communal meals is so much fun because you try things you might never have tried before, and we bring together diverse recipes from our different families. It's challenging me to look back into my memory and find the dishes that I always loved so I can make them for other people.

Bummer news of the day - something (probably a mosquito) bit me right above my eye below my eyebrow, and it's swelled up so that I feel like Quasimodo, even though it's hardly noticeable to other people. Ow.

Good news of the day - I bought bug spray that I actually like! It's called OFF Smooth and Dry, and it isn't oily, and it smells like flowers! I have no idea how it can smell so good and still work, but work it does, and I didn't get eaten as bad today.

Really, things are good right now, and there are only a few things that would make it perfect:
-Seeing my mommy (I miss you, mama!)
-Getting a bit more sleep
-Having time and space to do yoga

But I'm not dwelling on that stuff too much. Overall I love my job, I'm working with cool people, I'm eating well and working hard. And I'm reading a lot, as we interns generally shun TV and such things here. I've already finished two books in the last few days! Life is simple and good.

Pictures From The Farm

Here's the farm house! Jenny and I live in the basement.



This is the old farm house on the property, which is pretty rundown but still livable. Aka: The boy's house.


This is Maddie, our farm dog, such as she is! She actually has a lot more personality than any other small dog I've ever met, and she looks like a little fox when she gets all wet.


This is part of the kitchen in the boy's house where we all make dinner. Bill and Alejandro and I were making guacamole!


Here are some of the northwestern fields! Mark's out doing something with one of the tractors... Oh! And that's our wind turbine! It pumps all the water for irrigation from the wells.


Here's the youngest flock of chickens. For some reason Mark chose to get the general "feed them 'till they can't stand up" breed, and they're the stupidest little things I've ever seen. But I kind of like them anyway :-). Can't get too attached, though, 'cause we have to butcher them eventually...


Some of the pretty lettuce mix we've been selling! I love looking at our fields and seeing all of the different colors!

That's all for now! More pictures to come eventually!

The Day I First Ate Radishes

I realized today, mid-cream-cheese-lettuce-and-radish-sandwich, that I don't remember ever eating radishes before! They're great! We've got tons of them here just now, and I'm beginning to enjoy the delights and challenges of seasonal food. For instance, what the heck do you make when your main produce for the week is radishes, kolrabi or kale? You get inventive, that's what. I'll keep you posted on what we come up with.

So here's a quick update, as I probably won't be updating tomorrow because Sunday is our one day off per week, and that means Saturday night is the one night we get to stay up and party. Which means (I gather from the other interns) sitting around in the boy's house drinking, singing, painting, writing and playing cards and then spending Sunday down at the swimming hole. Such is the country life.

One of the things I love the most about being here is the communal atmosphere. We're all working together in small groups during the day (almost never with the same people two days in a row) and then when we get done working for the day between 6 and 7 we all gather at the boy's house to make one or two main meals which we all share. I've volunteered to use my wonderful pasta maker to make some sort of pasta on Monday night (possibly lasagna, as we have a lot of spinach). Then, after dinner we have about two hours or an hour and a half with nothing to do, so we cycle through the showers, do our laundry, go for runs or bike rides if we have the energy, read a book, or just sit in the living room and talk. Some days we're too tired for much of anything, and we all sit around with our respective drinks, staring into space until someone realizes that nothing's been said for about fifteen minutes and tries to start up a conversation which ultimately lapses back into quiet sitting after a while. But it's a comfortable feeling; sitting and just BEING with other humans. Thinking our own thoughts and dreaming our own dreams, but living together.

AND I love that we're bringing back the art of conversation and the desire to read. When there's not much to do, and only an hour or two for free time before bed, we all tend to revert to basic interaction for fun, and it's fulfilling in a way that watching TV with people or sitting on computers just isn't.

So, before I sign off for the night, here's a funny story and a quote.

Funny story - Today, while putting up tents for one of the Fergus Falls stands, I cut my finger on a bit of metal. Having no bandaids, and not wanting to make a fuss, the only thing I could think to do to stop the bleeding was to rub dirt in the cut. Surely not the most hygenic thing to do, but it stopped the bleeding and I soldiered on! My hands are all ready getting tougher. (And yes, mom, I did put Neosporin and a bandaid on it when I finally got home :-))

Quote for the day -
"But when you have your eye on some prize, possessions begin to weigh heavily, junk food slows the steps. Surrender, at that point, is a natural process; it's what we do to attain the vision we have come to long for."
- From "The Barn At The End Of The World: The Apprenticeship of a Quaker, Buddhist Shepherd" by Mary Rose O'Reilley

In Which Alison Spends The Day On A Tractor

Hey everyone!

My first full day on the farm was spent mostly on the top of a red Farmall tractor, going back and forth over the northwestern fields. I tilled up five rows for pumpkins, tilled over the bok choi which had gone to seed, tilled up part of the field which had been messed up by a new irrigation line, tilled rows for radishes, and then got on another tractor which pulled something everyone calls a "reegi" (no idea what that stands for) that has someone sitting on top of it managing two prongs which till around the plants in a row.

So, in short, LOTS of tilling! But it was really fun, and I got really dirty!

After tilling, which took all morning and most of the afternoon, I headed to Fergus with Mark, Bill and Stu to put up the tent which our vegetable stand will be under. What a heck of a pain those tents are! All the pieces look the same, but only go ONE way in ONE spot. But we got it done, and the stand starts selling tomorrow.

Then, back home to the farm and dinner in the boy's house (the 7 boys live in a small, run-down house right next to the main house) where Bill and I made tortillas and venison with onions and peppers, and Ernest (who's from Ghana) made us a dish from home he called "rice balls and groundnut (aka peanut) soup." I was stuffed with deliciousness!

And now I suppose I'd better say something about the people I'm working here with. So far we have:
Jenny - My roommate, short, long hair, kind of awkward but knowledgeable and nice.
Stu - Rather punk-ish dude who's always smiling and being happy.
Bill - A bit quieter than Stu (they're cousins), more down to earth and knows about hunting and getting wild food.
Ernest - Tall, from Ghana, very cool accent, makes wicked rice balls.
Ramon - From Peru, pretty quiet so far but fun to speak Spanish with. For some reason Mark (boss-man) has trouble remembering Ramon's name, and tends to call him Raymond, to our great amusement.
Alejandro - From Ecuador, a bit louder and funny, loves to goof around with Ernest. And again, Mark has trouble with Alejandro's name and tends to call him Jackson. No one has any idea why.
Mike - VERY quiet and shy. I don't know much about him yet!
Zach - Lives in Fergus, so I haven't interacted with him as much, but he seems nice, despite his habit of spitting tobacco juice all over.

So there's everyone, for now. We're still expecting one more girl.

Things that I love about farming so far:
-Being outside ALL DAY!
-Getting dirty (and then getting clean at the end of the day)
-Feeling like I did something useful with my day
-Being tired, full and happy before bedtime
-Being around animals
-Seeing people being excited about organic produce
-Eating food that I helped grow (yeah, I know, it's only the second day, but this lettuce is great!)

Things about farming that I could live without:
-Getting sunburnt in strange places (my SHINS, for crying out loud!)
-Having a million mosquitoes in our basement
-Having chapped lips all day and not wanting to put on chapstick 'cause I'm filthy

Anyway, things are going great! I'm still learning and it feels like I'm going slower than everyone else, but I'll catch up. I suggested a new idea for getting the young chickens in at night and we're going to try it, so I'll let you know if it works out!

First Impressions

Alright, I've made it to Bluebird Gardens in Fergus Falls, and here's what I know so far:

-THE FARM HAS WIRELESS. But I won't have a lot of time to be on it.
-I'll be getting paid at the end of every week.
-We're currently getting to work at 7 or 8 am (depending on if it's a CSA delivery day) but it'll get earlier through the summer.
-I am one of ten interns, and so far I am one of two girls, but we're waiting for another to arrive any day.
-I'm sharing a room with Jenny and the Other Girl (don't know her name yet) in the basement of the main house, but my bed has my quilt on it, so I'm comfy in my new space.
-This farm is BIG! This is their first year doing a CSA and they already have 400 members, so everything is MAJORLY hectic.
-Mark, my new boss-man, used to be a 3rd grade teacher, so he's very upbeat and wants to hear everyone's suggestions on how to do things. He got very excited about the fact that I brought my books on chickens, as we're having trouble herding the youngest broilers into the coops at night.
-I hadn't been here fifteen minutes before I was bustled out the door to plant pumpkins. Whew!
-So far there really isn't a whole lot of structure to anything. Everyone seems to know what they're doing mostly, but Jenny (who got here a week ago) says that you just pick things up as you go along and that she was clueless at first too.
-As of now I'm not feeling too anxious about things, but it hasn't gotten dark yet, so we'll see how it goes. I'll be happy to see the sunrise tomorrow. :-)

This is Alison, signing off from her first day of work in the Real World.

Waiting For The Morning

I'm a bit nervous, but trying to keep my inner cool, as in the above picture. Tomorrow I leave for Fergus Falls, MN to start my new job at Bluebird Gardens. I'm planning on leaving in the morning so I can get that new-start-new-day-sunrise feeling when I take off.

It's an adventure! I'm going out into the world to make it on my own! I've talked to the 'rents and I plan on being financially independent (minus emergency car repairs and health insurance) by the end of June. It's kind of a big deal, this being on my own stuff. I feel well prepared, and excited, but nervous.

And I have NO idea what to expect when I reach Fergus. All I know is that I have a job working on a farm, and I will be paid until October. It's anyone's guess what kind of living situation I'll have or what I'll need, so I'm packing a pretty bare minimum. I have clothes, work gear, all necessary electronics, and the all-important books and music.

I'm starting a new phase of my life tomorrow, and it's going to be like nothing I've experienced before.

"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!"
-Defying Gravity, Wicked (Glee Cover)

Journeys Through The States

"On journeys through the States we start,
(Ay through the world, urged by these songs,
Sailing henceforth to every land, to every sea,)
We willing learners of all, teachers of all, and lovers of all."
-"On Journeys Through The States," by Walt Whitman

So now that I'm all graduated I've got time to go travel with my friends! Tomorrow Gabe, Lyss and I are heading over to Appleton to go see Dita and Mike for a few days, and I'm psyched!

Meanwhile, things that have been happening include:
-I had my graduation party, which was really fun
-I got some summer clothes, Chacos (SO GREAT), and the complete works of Walt Whitman.
-I got the tattoo I've been waiting to get for the last four years (pictures to come, I'm sure)
-My room is clean, thank you notes are out, and the car has been serviced.

So I've done everything I'm supposed to do for a while, and I plan on kicking back and hanging out with my best friends until Saturday. In the meantime, here's a picture of Mike helping cook breakfast during another Appleton road trip. :-)

Yes, This Is Still My Blog!

Don't worry! Your browser hasn't misled you!

I've just changed the look and sound of things a bit, as this blog is a representation of my life which has begun a new chapter. And to christen it, here's some more Whitman:

“Afoot and light-hearted, I take to the open road,

Healthy, free, the world before me,

The long brown path before me, leading wherever I choose.”…

“I think heroic deeds were all conceiv’d in the open air, and all great poems also;

I think I could stop here myself, and do miracles;” …

“From this hour, freedom!

From this hour I ordain myself loos’d of limits and imaginary lines,

Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute,

Listening to others, and considering well what they say,

Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,

Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.

I inhale great draughts of space;

The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought;

I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me;” …

“Now I see the secret of the making of the best persons,

It is to grow in the open air, and to eat and sleep with the earth.

Here a great personal deed has room;

A great deed seizes upon the hearts of the whole race of men,” …

“Now I reexamine philosophies and religions,

They may prove well in lecture-rooms, yet not prove at all under the spacious clouds, and along the landscape and flowing currents.

Here is realization;

Here is a man tallied—he realizes here what he has in him;

The past, the future, majesty, love—if they are vacant of you, you are vacant of them.” …

“Allons! we must not stop here!

However sweet these laid-up stores—however convenient this dwelling, we cannot remain here;

However shelter’d this port, and however calm these waters, we must not anchor here;

However welcome the hospitality that surrounds us, we are permitted to receive it but a little while.” …

-Walt Whitman, from "Song of the Open Road"

When I began this blog I named it "The Half-Way Point" because I began it in the summer before my junior year of college, and I was indeed half-way done. Now, I'm starting a new adventure; an adventure on the open road of life, and while it may sometimes be a real road, it may sometimes be a less tangible journey. I think this new name, and it's connection to Whitman's poem, says a lot about my hopes for the future.

Happy trails!

Ready

"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
-Walt Whitman, "Song of the Open Road"


It's over. The long college experience that I've been living for the past four years as I've sprinted and struggled to keep going; the late nights writing papers and wracking my brain; the panic I felt on Sunday nights when I'd have to go back to Chicago, or Michigan, or Morris, or even the cities; all the wondering about "is this what I'm supposed to be doing?"; the paperwork that needed to be filled out every time I switched schools; getting up at 7am to go sit half asleep in a lecture hall; living my life with the sole purpose of getting a piece of paper that will make my family proud and magically give me a better future.
It's all over.

Yes, there were good times and great opportunities. Without school I never would have gotten to study in Scotland or Mexico, I never would have met my cool friends, I never would have learned so much about myself in the way I did, and I won't ever take for granted the things my parents gave up to give me this opportunity, nor will I forget the people in the world who would give everything to have been able to do these things. But having said that I have to admit, as many of you already know, that these last four years have been an uphill climb for me, and I won't pretend I'm not relieved to have it over.

And the future has never looked so good! I keep having these moments of elation where I suddenly think "I can do ANYTHING!" I've traveled, I've learned, I've faced some of my demons, I've dealt with difficult situations, I can take care of myself and I can do good in the world. Of all the things I've learned in these last four years, I have to say most of them didn't come from academia, but from the experiences I've had while trying to make it through academia. And I've come out stronger on the other side, fire-hardened and ready to go.

I'm 22 years old, and I have just TONS of life ahead of me, and it's time to take the reins. I'm ready.

GUESS WHAT???

I'M DONE WITH MY SENIOR THESIS.

And that's pretty cool.

I worked on it all weekend, and it's finally done and turned in. 27 pages, beautifully encased in a clear-front binder.


So, if anyone feels like reading this tome on corn in agriculture, let me know and I'll email you a copy. As for the rest of you who don't care to read about corn but are still excited that I'm done, THANKS!

Ugh, but it's not over yet. I've got a six pager due tomorrow, and two five pagers due on Friday. But then I'm ALL DONE WITH COLLEGE!

Graduation is happening next Sunday, the 16th, 3pm! I officially have, in my possession, four tickets. So you guys better start kissing up if you wanna come! No, not really. Three of them are reserved for Mom, Lance and Dad, and the last one will be going to Maddie or Julia, whoever cares to go.

And then.........*deeeeeeeeeeeeeep sigh* a few blessed weeks of de-stressing are in order, in which time I shall shut off my brain almost entirely (with the exception of the ability to breathe), and tire my body out completely every single day in hopes of balancing myself out a bit.

So. I've got just a bit left to do, but I'm doing alright! Yay, life!!!

Today Was A Bad Day For Writing

Ugh. I don't know what was up with me and this day, but there was no love lost between us.

I've been having trouble sleeping recently, and I've done everything from taking hot showers to doing the relaxing aspects of my yoga and tai chi, to settling down with a good book, to meditation, and any number of other things. I just can't get to sleep. So last night I laid in bed from 1am until 4 unable to sleep, and getting more and more frustrated by it.

Basically, I'm pretty sure it's all the stress of these last two weeks of school building up, and I just can't wait for it to be over. Tonight I plan on trying a few more things to chill out.

But anyway, I woke up this morning and was peeved 'cause I was tired and I'd slept through class. I just felt terrible. I've been trying to get out of it all day, but I just couldn't do it. I felt off center all day, and I haven't been able to write anything decent. I'm still at 9 pages, and I have six days left to write at least 11 more pages. Uff da.

I've decided the best thing to do at this point is to go to bed and try for a better day tomorrow, since I couldn't seem to salvage this one. Wish me luck!

A Quick Update

So!

I'm truckin' along on this paper which is finally started (I've got four and a half pages written and quotes ready for another three or four), and I contacted my adviser and asked about a due date, so D-day is now

MAY 10TH

Y'all ready?? Ready for some serious STRESS WRITING????

Actually, I'm feeling a lot calmer now that I've started. When I'm out in class or something and thinking about it I can feel myself get tense, but I'm learning to be aware of it and let it go. When I DO sit down to work, I feel like I don't have to worry as much because I'm DOING something about the problem, so this translates into me having my paper up on my desktop most of the time in case I think of anything to write. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean that this paper has taken over my life. But only for another 10 DAYS OH MY GOSH ONLY TEN DAYS

Ok. Breathe.

In other news, I've been doing yoga at least once if not twice a day for the past week and a half to two weeks, and I'm getting mighty flexible! Yay! Also, Tai Chi is going well, and I've almost got two sessions memorized.

I woke up this morning thinking about how to describe myself right now, and I remembered something that Anne Shirley says when someone asks her how she's doing: "I am well in body, but considerably rumpled up in spirit, thank you." Remembering it made me laugh, and also made me feel better about feeling like I have to describe two things about myself right now; mind state and body state. So currently, I am well in spirit but rumpled up in body, as I seem to have caught the weird cold Mom had last weekend. Here's to lots of tea and hot showers!

So how are you doing today?

Exorcising Fear of Failure

So, I'm working on a course of awareness training right now. I don't really want to say more about it than that right now, but I'm sure I'll be expanding on it in the weeks to come.

Right now I'm sitting in Espresso Royale trying to write my senior thesis, and I'm just as blocked as usual, except that because I've been sitting here trying to be aware of my thoughts and feelings and the reasons behind them I've suddenly realized WHAT is blocking me. Fear of failure. Fear that this thesis will be just terrible. And that fear is keeping me from getting started at all, which is entirely counterproductive. So, thanks to my new awareness training materials I now have a few resources to get past this, and I'm gonna try them out right here!

Step 1: Try to imagine the best possible result
The BEST thing that could happen is that I'll write this thesis, turn it in on time, feel totally proud of my work and confident that it is a good representation of me and my ideas, and have my professor give it an A.

Step 2: Try to imagine the worst possible result
The WORST thing that could happen is that I'll type up something that is too short, not up to snuff, I might not get it turned in on time, I'll feel that it's a terrible representation of my abilities, and my professor will give it an F, failing me for the course and keeping me from graduating on May 16th.

Step 3: Try to determine how the situation could be salvaged if you fail
If the worst possible situation does happen, I'll talk to my professor and either take an incomplete, go to work in Fergus Falls as planned while I re-write the paper and graduate at the end of summer, or get out of my job in Fergus to live at home and re-write it with the same result of end-of-summer graduation. Either way, life goes on and I graduate.

Step 4: Realize that in reality your situation will probably fall between the worst and best possibilities. Allow yourself the freedom to be imperfect.
Ok, I can do that. I can still aim high, but I need to be ok with writing something that isn't perfect. Working on that last bit.

Step 5: Breathe, and consider your problem a challenge that you are capable of overcoming
I am capable of writing a paper synthesizing information on what corn has done to rural America. I have the information, I have the ability to formulate sentences, I am passionate about changing the things that are detrimental so I have a drive to write. The only thing that is holding me back is the fear that I don't have ENOUGH of these things to be perfect. But I have SOME, and I just need to get those DOWN on paper!

"Do, or do not. There is no try," as Yoda would say. :-)

GO!

Essence

I was reminded the other day about the story of the Scorpion and the Frog. For anyone who doesn't know it, it goes like this:
One day a scorpion meets a frog on the bank of a river. The scorpion asks, "frog, will you please carry me across the river?" The frog answers "How do I know you won't sting and kill me for my troubles?" and the scorpion says "because if I sting you we would both sink and I'd die as well." So the frog agrees and they set out. Suddenly, in mid stream, the scorpion stings the frog, and as they begin to sink the frog asks why the scorpion would do this. The scorpion replied "it is my nature."

So anyway, I've been thinking about this idea of "nature," and then compounded on that came Maddie's comment on my last post about not knowing what to do with myself, which said
"have FUN. be happy and love babies and chickens and old people. love your SISTER and wash the CAR! make pasta and cruise to tunes. hug julia. laugh your silly huge laugh. dance around with little arm movements. And be calm sometimes."

So I've been posing these questions to myself: What is my nature? What am I? What do I want? What do I value (as Maddie asked in her last post)?

Generally I don't like to broadcast my introspection because I feel selfish talking about myself and writing "me me me" all the time, but hey, this is my blog, right? I get to do these streams of consciousness every once in a while.

I've just been so caught up in my own head lately. And I've found myself drifting back to parts of myself from high school that I've almost forgotten. I think of that former self as so naive in so many ways; filled with this bright hope in the future and in love. Those were the two things I used to be so sure of; that tomorrow or next year would be better, full of adventure and possibility, and that the whole world was just full to bursting with this penetrating all-encompassing love.

Now I'm not so sure.

One of the things that's bringing me back is music. I think I've said before that music is my timeline. I can hear a song and remember exactly what was going on in my life when I first heard it, and those memories are called up and in many cases are just as fresh and real as they were then. So anyway, old music + living in my own head = introspective Alison.

What is my nature?
Right this moment I feel jaded, which is a sad thing to feel at 22. Sometimes I feel like my best days are behind me, which is 180 degrees away from how I felt at 18. And yet I feel closer to 18 year old Alison than I do to the adult I try to present to people lately.

I am still full of hope. I came out of the gym today feeling like I could take on the whole world. Gotta love those exercise induced endorphins!

I am still full of love. I woke up this morning feeling like I had so much love in me that I could explode into pieces. The more I experience in life the more I'm convinced that there are innumerable different kinds of love, and if I had to give shape to this love I feel full of it would look like fire. Most of the time it just glows inside me waiting for some breath of wind to stir it up and give it a reason to burn brightly, but sometimes, like this morning, it screams through me like a wildfire and I feel like you could set anything in front of me and I'd freakin' love it to death! I'm not sure how to explain it, except to say that I've recently started to understand that I'm one of those people with an "addictive personality," meaning that I'm very easily fixated on one thing and I pour all of myself into it at the risk of ignoring the rest of life, and without an outlet for this I feel....useless? Purposeless?

I am a hopeless romantic. Enough said.

I am a believer, despite attempting to be a skeptic.

I am an optimist, despite believing myself to be a pessimist for most of my life.

I am a night owl. I do all my brilliant thinking after midnight. I went to sleep at 5am this morning and slept until 3pm. Case closed.

I am a seeker. I kind of thought this section of my life ended in high school, but it's becoming increasingly clear that I'm always SEARCHING. The object changes, but I have an insatiable (so far) urge to see what's over the next hill.

I'm 99.9% sure I'm destined to be a mother someday. Can't tell you why exactly, but I really want to have kids. That ol' bio clock must be kicking in.

I am afraid. I wish there was some way I could take this part out of me. It's a cage that I can't seem to escape, and it holds me back.

I have a really strong desire to fly. Not in a plane or anything; I'm talking fly like Superman or Peter Pan or a bird. I have flying dreams all the time. Perhaps this will lead to a career in cliff diving? Not likely considering the last comment on fear, but you never know.

I feel like the only way to justify my existence is to do something that matters. I just don't know what that thing is yet.

I have a fascination with duality. I'm one of those people who tends to see the world in a yin and yang sort of dichotomy, and yet argues the continuum of gender, right and wrong, etc. Maybe it's just that seeing everything in black and white is easier. Maybe it's more correct to say that--

I believe in balance.

I have the spirit of a warrior, a poet and a mystic. How I ended up in this century is beyond me. :-)

I'm pretty sure my eyes tell people everything about me. That's one of the reasons I had bangs for so long; easier to hind behind!

I have more self control than I credit myself for. I need to remind myself of this a lot.


Anyway, I may add to this later, but for now I just needed to get some of this out. I'll let you know if I come up with any answers to all of these questions. :-)

I'm Having A Crisis

What the heck do I really want??

The future seems so open but everything feels so impossible. I want to change the world. I want to leave this place better than I found it. I need to do something MEANINGFUL with my life! I can't handle the idea of sitting in a cubicle or dying before I've made this life worth while. I want to DO something!

And does farming constitute this thing I want? Will it fulfill this need? I have this drive to fix problems and help people and save the world, and it seems like such a waste to not use it for something powerful. But WHAT??

Ach. What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

Kicking Ass and Taking Names

What I wouldn't give for the ability to wander around the countryside fighting baddies with martial arts, riding horses and camping out every night. How the heck did it take me until my 22nd year of life to discover Xena?!

This stupid show has managed to devour my life for the last week or so, since I discovered that the whole series is on Netflix instant play. It's got comedy, action, adventure, romance, deep theological discussion; everything you could want in a TV show from the late '90s.

I mean, I have enough problems becoming addicted to fiction as it is (remember the summer between Junior and Senior year of high school when I watched all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? And a few months ago when all I did was read the Kushiel's Legacy books?), and this series meets all my requirements for "mythical world I can spend a lot of time day dreaming about."
So that's my life at present. Wishing I was born in a time where I could run about in wool and leather and kick ass with my trusty sidekick. Am I too old for this kind of thing? Possibly. Could I run around in the woods pretending and fighting with sticks for a good part of my life? Heck yes.

In the meantime, I guess I have to graduate.

Today Was Awesome In An Ordinary Way

I'm in good spirits!

So here's an update on my birthday, and today, my first full day of being 22.

Yesterday was a pretty quiet day overall; I hung out, did homework and walked Cricket. BUT THEN, at 7:30 I went to go pick Maddie up from school and we headed downtown to THE MELTING POT, which is the coolest restaurant ever, but is also very expensive, so I've only been there once. The deal is that you get four courses, three of which are fondue, so the courses went like this:
1) Veggies, bread and apples fondued in cheese (we had a pot of Wisconsin Trio and a pot of a variety of Swiss)
2) Salad course. I had DELICIOUS lettuce wraps. I've never had them before and they were great!
3) Main course: entrees of choice fondued in one of two cooking-oil-type-things (we had a Merleau based one and a veggie broth based one). My entree was the vegetarian plate which had stuffed pasta, asparagus, artichoke hearts and other things, and also a side of salmon, which was SO GOOD.
4) Desert, which was fruit, cheesecake, brownies and marshmallows dipped in a choice of three chocolate sauces (we had a dark chocolate with amaretto, a white/milk chocolate swirl, and a banana's Foster dip).

Oh my gosh, I left there stuffed full of the best food ever, and with Lance and Dad to thank for footing the hefty bill. Yay dads!!

AND, on top of that there were presents! Dad gave me the awesome pasta maker I really wanted (I'm on this new thing about making all (ok, maybe most) of my own food), Mom got me the box set of Long Way Round and Long Way Down, and Joel Salatin's book You Can Farm, and Julia got me an awesome Barnes and Noble gift card! They were all totally great!

So, I got back from this dinner full to bursting and worked on a take-home exam that was due today until 3, then went to bed and slept in until noon.

I woke up this morning all rested and lazy and feeling awesome. Up for a grapefruit and I got ready for class, then biked on over to campus, went to lecture and then had a sandwich and hung out at Espresso Royal for a while. Then a work out at the gym and over to the Bell Museum of Natural History for a look at the food exhibit and a viewing of "A Farm For The Future," which was totally inspiring.

I know that doesn't sound like a super awesome day, but I feel productive for doing a good job on the exam, eating well, biking, working out and discovering the coolest museum on campus!

That movie was seriously inspiring. I've been stuck in a major rut in my thesis, wondering how I'm supposed to solve all of agriculture's problems in one paper, not wanting to write something that just moans about all of the aforementioned problems without offering something of my own. But it all seems to make sense now! This movie started out talking about the problems with agriculture in Britain, mainly in that without fossil fuel large scale food production in the way we've been doing it is impossible. But instead of just stopping there like so many do, this movie went on to suggest several different ways of farming that provide as much as or more food than we're producing with our current system in totally new ways. I feel like I've got my faith in the future of agriculture restored!

So now I'm gonna try and get this paper started. We'll see what I can come up with!