Patience

I took this picture on September 26th of last year. I’d just read these words somewhere (I never did write down the source), and they resonated with me. Even though, at the time, I was feeling pretty directionless and cruddy, I felt like I was on the edge of discovering something wonderful, if only I could be patient long enough to watch it unfold.

Cut to eight months later, and I’ve met several amazing people who have literally changed my life; made it more friendly and exciting, full of love and opportunities for growth, music and words and sunlight. I’ve moved up to the Big City (and I’m about to go explore a whole new state), learned how to deal more effectively with my anxiety, and gotten into a graduate program that I’m enthused about to a really dorky extent.

And yet even now, this morning, as I looked at these words still taped to my bedroom mirror, I’m feeling it again; like there’s something great waiting for me. I know there will be rough patches and disappointments and bruises and tears, because that’s part of life, but today, in this moment, I am unbelievably excited about the future. I just have this feeling that the next couple of years are going to be great. I don’t know what they’ll be like yet, but I can tell that they’ll be filled with that unfathomable beauty.

24 Going On 12

Hey everyone!

I hope you all had a good Easter weekend! I sure did! It was a jam-packed couple of days in Alison land, because Saturday was my birthday, and then Sunday was Easter, and there was just so much going on!

I wasn't really planning anything to celebrate turning 24, but my amazing friend Emmy was having none of it, and when I tossed out the idea of going to an arcade, she hopped on board and took over the wheel, to GREAT success. She and her super awesome girlfriend, Kristi, picked me up a little before ten on Saturday, and she had the whole day planned.

First, we went to the Loring Bar for brunch (fruit-covered french toast with caramel sauce for me) and bottomless mimosas, which was AMAZING. Brunch food truly is the best food. And the waiter even brought us free cake when he found out it was my birthday!

Em also surprised me with three seminary-related books, which I'm very excited about. I started reading one of them, "Manna and Mercy" by Daniel Erlander, which is basically an illustrated walk through the bible, and it's already one of my favorite things.

Next we headed to the Mall of America, and after wandering around Barnes and Noble (drooling over books) and the American Girl store (reminiscing over dolls) for a while, we took to the arcade and got in touch with our inner 12-year-olds. Air hockey, pac-man, DDR, Guitar Hero, skee-ball, basketball and many others were played.

Emmy and Kristi kicking ass at DDR:

By the end of our almost-three hours at the arcade we had a fist full of tickets that bought us candy bracelets and temporary dinosaur tattoos. TOTALLY WORTH IT.

And then I remembered something that one of my favorite writers does on her birthday; she finds something she's afraid of. Keeping in mind the fact that I was in the middle of an indoor theme park, I decided there was no good reason not to try to conquer my fear of roller coasters, and rides in general. We got on what USED to be called "The Ripsaw," back when the park was known as Camp Snoopy (I'll never let that go), and even though I was so nervous I'm pretty sure I almost broke Emmy's hand (she offered to hold mine, and I stoically refused...until the coaster took off), I TOTALLY loved it. This shouldn't really come as a surprise, because I like things that go fast, but I was kind of amazed that I liked it as much as I did.

Emboldened by the success on the coaster, we promptly got in line with the little kids for a turn on the Kite Eating Tree, which is a swing ride that pulls you up into the air and spins you around, and then took pictures of each other while we waited for the kids to get strapped in.

By that time all three of us were pretty mall-ed out, and Em and Kristi had to get back for choir, and I had to head for Northfield, so we called it a day, but I've gotta say that it was THE best birthday I've had in a few years, and I'm hoping I can return the favor when Emmy has her birthday towards the end of the month. We'll see what I can come up with.

So far, being 24 isn't too different than being 23, except that this year I'm starting to worry about things like taxes and settling down and being a grown-up, but the more people I talk to, and the more opportunities I run across, the more alright I am with letting my life stay open to possibility. There are a lot of great things in my life right now, and a lot of things to look forward to in the next few months (including going to Luther, now that I'm officially accepted!!)!

LIFE IS GOOD, YOU GUYS, no matter how old you are. :-)

I live in Minneapolis now! And other news.

Hey everybody!

I don't really have a lot to say, off the top of my head, but I thought I'd just do a quick bullet point life update post!

• I moved up to the Seward neighborhood of Minneapolis on Jan 1st!
• I live with two awesome people, Neil and Roni, who are in their last year at the U of M, and Roni's adorable puppy named Kene.
• 
• I'm still working for my dad's company, and I'm very thankful for my ability to pay bills and set my own hours, but I'm still on the job hunt for something in my field of interest.
• Because of a bunch of administrative junk, I'm still waiting to hear back from Luther on whether or not I got into seminary. I should know in the next couple of weeks!
• I got to go visit my friends Dita, Mike and Ari in Boston two weeks ago, and I had a great time checking out the city! Go check my tweets (right hand side bar) if you want pictures!
• I came back from Boston with a bad cold, which I'm only now finally recovering from. It was a bummer, but I'm happy I'm back to feeling like a normal human now!
• Also, I'm trying to update my seminary thoughts blog more often, so there may be new stuff over there if you haven't checked recently.

Alright, I think that's about it! I hope you all are doing well, and I'll talk to you later!

A New Direction, or an Old Calling?

Hey everybody! Long time no see!

And I have news! Remember how I was having such a hard time figuring out what to do next, life-wise? Well, I've got an idea. Here's the long-short story:

About six months ago, when I got back from New Zealand, I started talking with Peggy Hanson about how St. John's needs a new youth minister. Peggy, who is one of my dear friends, a member of St. John's, and also my baptism sponsor, pushed me to check out the job because of my experience teaching summer bible school. Working with the preschool through fourth graders for that one week a year has always been one of my favorite things, and I thought this idea might bear some looking into. After doing some research, however, I found that I wouldn't really be qualified until I had at least a certification in youth ministry, and even if I found a way around that, I wouldn't personally feel like I had enough knowledge to be dealing with high schoolers, especially as they go through confirmation. So this idea went back up on the shelf.

Meanwhile, since I got back from down under, I've been trying to recapture the easy faith I felt as I traveled. Even though I showed up in the country with a plan, after my time at the shearing sheds I basically just went around hoping that the next day would bring something good, and it always did! When I felt like I couldn't take the atmosphere of the sheds anymore, I met Ann and Murray through church, and they took me home and gave me a family. When I needed someplace to stay in Wellington, I met Ann and Murray's daughter Bridget, and she and her husband showed me around. When I arrived on the shore of the South Island I looked around and hopped the Stray bus, not sure what I'd find, only to meet the most amazing group of people who ended up defining my whole trip. Some days I didn't know where I'd sleep that night, but hostels always worked out. Some days I didn't know if I could stand the loneliness of being on the road, but someone always came into my life with kind words and a hug.

And I prayed. A lot. On the bus, at night before I went to sleep, in hard places and in beautiful ones. Sometimes they were Ann Lamott-type prayers, made up of "help, help, help" or "thank you, thank you, thank you," but they always came from deep inside me, and I always felt that they were heard.

Travel has a way of making you feel like life is made up of bright colors and deep feelings, but when you get home the stability and occasional boredom of "real life" dulls everything again. The trick, for me, at least, is to live life like you're on the road all the time, no matter what physical space you inhabit.

For the last few months I've been in that post-travel phase where everything seems dull, and you can't scramble fast enough to get back the highs you felt while abroad. All of the searching and grasping at water slipping through my fingers has made me feel pretty lousy, but it's also made me throw up my hands, sit down, and listen.

And when I did that, back in late September, I felt the niggling feeling of something at the back of my neck. I started thinking again about St. John's, and the youth there, and my feelings about the church, and my faith, and about ministry. It was a lot to think about. In the first week of October I went up to the visit days at Luther, which is the ELCA seminary in St. Paul. It was a two day event, and my feelings about the whole thing went like this:
Day 1-
Morning - Oh my gosh, this is so freakin' cool! I want to take all the classes, read all the books, soak all of this in at once!
Afternoon - Ok, theoretically, this would be cool, but how would I pay for another two years of study? Money, money, money. Worry, worry.
Evening - I don't even care. This feeling is amazing. Look at these people coming together to learn and teach and love and strengthen the church!

Day 2-
Morning - Ok, back off, you're just excited about this because you're here right now. Get some perspective.
Afternoon - OH MY GOSH THE RARE BOOKS ROOM. Breathe, breathe, try not to get too excited about talking Constantine and getting to take Hebrew. This is where I'm supposed to be!
Evening - Absolute cognitive dissonance.

I wanted so much to give in to the overwhelming feeling that I was in the right place, and that seminary was the right thing, but I was paralyzed by the fear of making a wrong move. I'd spent the last four months agonizing about career paths and possibilities that I'd tangled myself up in the idea that if I made the wrong choice I could...I wasn't even sure! End up living in a box on the side of the road? I don't know. But when I went home that second night, I felt my heart pulling toward seminary and my brain frozen and full of thoughts of loan repayment and job prospects.

I gave myself a week to think it all over, and as that week progressed I got more and more excited, and more and more sure.

So the end of this story is that I'm currently almost finished with my application to Luther Seminary for their Masters in Youth and Family Ministry program, and even though I still have doubts (still mostly based in money-worry), I've given up and given in to that pull inside my chest. If they'll have me, I'll start at Luther in September.

In the meantime, I've been reading a lot, talking with a couple of friends, and discussing faith and theology, and I've been wanting some place to write that out, so I'm starting a new blog. This will still be my main page, and I'll still write here when I have a life update, or when I travel, but the new blog will be specifically for faith-related stuff. So join me over there if you feel like it!

I hope you're all having a good day, week, month, and so on. It's finally snowing here in Northfield, and I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving in five days, and then...CHRISTMAS! Or rather, Advent, starts next Sunday!
Peace!

A Getaway, A Refusal, The Present, And Happiness

Hey everyone!

Well, around the time of that last post back at the beginning of the month I decided I just needed to go somewhere to get a bit of that wanderlust out of my system. On a whim I called up my best friend Gabriel and asked him if he felt like road tripping it to Nashville with me. He said he was absolutely down, so the next step was to call my lovely step-sister Jessi and ask if we could crash on her floor for a couple of days. One week later Gabe and I were rolling down the river road, following the Mississippi, windows down and hearts full of music.

It felt great to get back on the road again, and I enjoyed every minute of our trip down there and back almost as much as I enjoyed actually experiencing Nashville. On the way down we camped in Hannibal, Missouri, which is Mark Twain's home town, and I got a chance to geek out about seeing places like Jackson's Island that I've been dreaming about since I was about seven years old. Huck Finn IS my second favorite book, after all, trumped only by Peter Pan. Gabe didn't really understand my excitement, but he played along when we found Tom Sawyer's fence, which stands next to Twain's boyhood home.

Anyway, Nashville was great, and we spend the time there hearing as much music as possible. We checked out famous guitars stores, spent WAY too much money at the record stores, heard live music at a couple of different places, ate grits and drank sweet tea, toured Andrew Jackson's plantation, and spent a little time with Jessi and her husband Chris, which I was really glad about since I wasn't able to go to their wedding (because of being halfway around the world, ya know). And I got to feel like I was getting in touch with my Southern roots, even though my family's from South Carolina. All in all, a very successful adventure.

Then, back to Northfield, where I reveled in my new vinyl collection and got back into the swing of desk work. Still not my favorite thing. But at least, I thought to myself, I have a chance at getting the Americorps job I went out for in June.

So this job (I'm not sure if I'm mentioned it before) is to help teaching and tutoring in the elementary schools in Northfield, and it included such benefits as, you know, paying, and giving experience, and putting one's loans on hold. A good deal, really. Interviews were in June, but with the government shutdown they weren't able to confirm anything until just this week, and it turns out that even though the program was promised funding for ten different positions in the school district, they were only given enough for three in the end.

And the long and short of it is that today I found out I didn't get one of those positions. This bummed me out quite a bit at first, as it was the only solid lead I've had on ANYTHING in what seems like ages. Jobs are hard to come by when you don't want to flip burgers or work at Target. But I'm choosing to look at this as just another shove along my path. Clearly this job wasn't something I was meant for, but I did my best, and now I'm moving on.

Moving on to what, I'm not sure, but I'll get there.

And in the meantime I've thrown all extra energy into getting in shape. I've been doing it in sort of a leisurely way up until two weeks before I left for Nashville when I got a pass up at the Lakeville Lifetime Fitness and got serious. I've been building and building and making progress, and at this point I'm running four miles every other day with 15 minutes of strength training, and on days when I'm not doing that I do 30 minutes of crosstraining/conditioning and run a mile and a half. I allow myself one day off per week for that day when I just have no motivation whatsoever. Other than that, I lace up and go out whether I feel like it or not.

And I can feel the changes already. Not in numbers on a scale (those things are freakin' stubborn!) but in the way I walk, in the strength and confidence I have, in my optimism, and in the way I treat myself.

So things are good, even though they're not the way I would have planned them. I read something the other day that really sums up how I'm feeling about Right Now:

"I'm clearing my heart of ghosts lately; I think I need room for something else. I don't know what it is yet, but it's going to be unfathomably beautiful. I wake up every morning and smile because I know I'll get to see it. It's going to be that beautiful."

Wanderlust/Frustration

I’ve got the itch again. I have to get out of here. Every time I leave, I see the things that I miss, and I come home, vowing to remember that all the things I need I already have. Flash forward four to six months and I’m packing my bags in a cold sweat, filling up the tank or standing in line at customs, because as long as I keep moving I’m in the current with time and I can quantify my achievements each day in miles traveled or countries crossed off my bucket list. When people ask “what have you been doing since graduation?” I can tell them I’ve lived in other places, seen things most people dream of seeing, done things most people don’t end up doing, and I feel like I can be proud of that.

But inevitably I get footsore and stumble back into my small town, grateful for the lilac smell in the spring, the days in the river in summer, the crispness of the air in fall, or the snow at Christmas. But being here means standing still. It means looking at what people have accomplished while I’ve been gone, and seeing their hard-won stability next to my head-strong resistance to monotony. My heart is equal parts lust for change and love for consistency.

I forget who said it, Emerson, possibly, or C.S. Lewis; that humans require a consistency in life in order to not be overwhelmed by the universe and go completely insane, but we also abhor boredom, and so we require change to stimulate our minds. Luckily, be it by divine providence or only by chance, we have the seasons. We know more or less what to expect depending on the month, and are comforted by that knowledge, but we also welcome spring each year with as much joy as if we hadn’t seen it before. Perfection.

And these are my seasons; leave, remember, return, ache.

Ache for a plan, a purpose, a reason to do this over that. Ache for the road, until I find these things. I leave with open eyes and hope of finding them, end up miles away wondering if I just forgot to pack them and become convinced they’re sitting on my bed at home, waiting for me. Only to return to find that they’ve left minutes before my reentry. It’s the least Zen thing about me, this always running off to catch something that feels just out of reach.

But what else can I do?

Really, Alison, what else can you do?

I could sit on my hands and ignore my wanderlust. Keep working this job, get another one to pick up the slack time and make some more money. Make enough to move permanently out of my parent’s house and into a place of my own. Hope that time will reveal this purpose I swear I must have. But the meantime is lonely; the way things are now, I spend a lot of time by myself.

I could go to graduate school, but to study what? Things that truly interest me, like classics or composition? Or something that may help me get a less boring job, like journalism or wildlife management? (The fact that those two possibilities seem leagues apart highlights my general indecision.) In the end, though, there’s no guarantee of a job, but there would certainly be more debt. And this would be my way of postponing making a decision. Only a placeholder in time.

Or I could take that road again. Without a plan, without enough money to last me any great length of time. I got good at trusting to faith and luck while I was away last time, and even though I missed a few meals I was never without a bed and some interesting new people.

All I know is that time is moving, and I’m standing in the middle of the stream feeling it wash past me, taking seconds of my life away with every ripple and splash of the current. Either I will be washed away somewhere with it, or I will charge upstream until I exhaust myself. But I can’t stand anymore.

Home Again, Home Again

Hey everyone!

So, you know what? I usually apologize for not writing, but right now I'm really enjoying the fact that the recent absence of posts has caused most people to forget that this blog exists. It gives me something close to a clean slate again.

Because this isn't going to be a news post. If you've heard anything at all from me since I got back from NZ (and I'm really sorry if you haven't; I'm going to go into a whirlwind of email replies shortly) then you know I've been back for about three months, and I've spent most of that time job hunting, getting discouraged, trying to figure out what I want to "do with my life," and deciding that I'd better use this in-between-time constructively and at least get back in shape. Oh! And I cut all my hair off 'cause it's been unbelievably hot. The weather, not my hair. See?

But anyway, like I said, this is not a news post. This is an "Alison writing about life and plans" post.

First of all, I'd like to introduce you to two new best friends that I am inspired by, but haven't actually met in real life. First, Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote "Eat Pray Love." I'm currently reading this book, and so much of it is reminiscent of my life at the moment, forgetting, of course, that Liz is in her mid thirties and I am only twenty-three. Right now I'm connecting with her mainly because I need reminders that everyone, no matter at what age, at some point (and some people at many points) have times in their life when they think "what am I doing??" Watching, or rather reading, Liz going through these things comforts me. Her book has a "light at the end of the tunnel" feel to it, which is something I need right now.

Secondly, there's Dylan Hart, who writes lots of things, but I've been mostly in love with her blog posts recently. She's twenty-six (or twenty-seven now?) and she's currently living in Costa Rica. After college she spent a few years being in a confused in-between place like me before finally saying "screw it, I'm going traveling!" She's a published author and she has some design jobs and things she does on the road, but in general she's another person who I look to to say "don't worry, you don't need to have everything figured out." One of the things I love about her is that she writes the way we talk. And by we, I mean that she uses the colloquialisms that are inherent in my group of friends. She makes herself very understandable. And she's brilliant. Click that link and go read her post about plans.

And between reading a lot of these two lately and thinking about the the concept of "plans" and "life purpose," my brain's been a bit preoccupied. What it comes down to is this: I'm 23 years old and I feel the pressure to "make something of myself." I've had plans, like Dylan when she says

"The big picture is hard. It's vague and BIG. It always feels just out of reach, but like you've got it completely under control. 'I will be married in three years, have a best seller and an adorable little adopted baby boy.'
Probs not, Miss Hart. Probs not."

Sometimes you just have to say to yourself, "probs not, self. Probs not." But this is only with plans that are specific in outcome and vague in the description of what effort will be needed. I love plans. I like mapping things out. But it's more for reactionary purposes than anything else. I think "well, here I've made three plans. Which one do I like best? Which one makes me the most enthusiastic?" and then I try to go after the end result with a willingness to work hard and the knowledge that I have no idea what's going to happen along the way.

But my problem recently is that I don't know which plan to go after. For reference to this, see my post last March in Wellington. Today, though, it dawned on me that all of my plans are regarding getting a job, establishing a career, and "becoming an adult." Given this, it makes sense that I'm having trouble because of two things; 1) subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, I don't want to be an adult. 2) I'm confining my choices, and therefore in my head the entirety of my future (though I know that what I chose now isn't forever), to a very small space. What I'm saying to myself, theoretically, is "self, do you want to be a doctor or a lawyer?" when all my inner self most wants to do is go skydiving in Mongolia.*

Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

So here's the real question: Do I want to just pick a career direction and go with it just to be moving? Or do I stay here in this space, reading, thinking, asking questions, living at home with my parents and making minimal money working for my dad for a while longer?

If option 1, then I need to close my eyes, spin around in a circle and point in a direction and attack it. If option 2, then I need to make peace with the fact that living with your parents can be a trial as well as a blessing; I need to accept that doing the work I'm doing for my dad isn't fulfilling for me, but that it is temporary; I need to find a way to deal with the stress of not having health insurance and being a financial burden to my parents for a while longer; and most of all I need to find a way to deal with my own feelings of inadequacy for not getting the fuck out of the nest (excuse my language) and becoming one of those "productive members of society" my nagging inner voice is always talking about.

So there you are. Is there a third option that hasn't presented itself to me? Are these my choices? And what about skydiving in Mongolia?**

For today I'm ok with thinking and reading and praying. But what about tomorrow?


*Just for reference, I want none of those things.
**No, really. I hate heights. This is for visualization purposes only.