Home Again, Home Again

Hey everyone!

So, you know what? I usually apologize for not writing, but right now I'm really enjoying the fact that the recent absence of posts has caused most people to forget that this blog exists. It gives me something close to a clean slate again.

Because this isn't going to be a news post. If you've heard anything at all from me since I got back from NZ (and I'm really sorry if you haven't; I'm going to go into a whirlwind of email replies shortly) then you know I've been back for about three months, and I've spent most of that time job hunting, getting discouraged, trying to figure out what I want to "do with my life," and deciding that I'd better use this in-between-time constructively and at least get back in shape. Oh! And I cut all my hair off 'cause it's been unbelievably hot. The weather, not my hair. See?

But anyway, like I said, this is not a news post. This is an "Alison writing about life and plans" post.

First of all, I'd like to introduce you to two new best friends that I am inspired by, but haven't actually met in real life. First, Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote "Eat Pray Love." I'm currently reading this book, and so much of it is reminiscent of my life at the moment, forgetting, of course, that Liz is in her mid thirties and I am only twenty-three. Right now I'm connecting with her mainly because I need reminders that everyone, no matter at what age, at some point (and some people at many points) have times in their life when they think "what am I doing??" Watching, or rather reading, Liz going through these things comforts me. Her book has a "light at the end of the tunnel" feel to it, which is something I need right now.

Secondly, there's Dylan Hart, who writes lots of things, but I've been mostly in love with her blog posts recently. She's twenty-six (or twenty-seven now?) and she's currently living in Costa Rica. After college she spent a few years being in a confused in-between place like me before finally saying "screw it, I'm going traveling!" She's a published author and she has some design jobs and things she does on the road, but in general she's another person who I look to to say "don't worry, you don't need to have everything figured out." One of the things I love about her is that she writes the way we talk. And by we, I mean that she uses the colloquialisms that are inherent in my group of friends. She makes herself very understandable. And she's brilliant. Click that link and go read her post about plans.

And between reading a lot of these two lately and thinking about the the concept of "plans" and "life purpose," my brain's been a bit preoccupied. What it comes down to is this: I'm 23 years old and I feel the pressure to "make something of myself." I've had plans, like Dylan when she says

"The big picture is hard. It's vague and BIG. It always feels just out of reach, but like you've got it completely under control. 'I will be married in three years, have a best seller and an adorable little adopted baby boy.'
Probs not, Miss Hart. Probs not."

Sometimes you just have to say to yourself, "probs not, self. Probs not." But this is only with plans that are specific in outcome and vague in the description of what effort will be needed. I love plans. I like mapping things out. But it's more for reactionary purposes than anything else. I think "well, here I've made three plans. Which one do I like best? Which one makes me the most enthusiastic?" and then I try to go after the end result with a willingness to work hard and the knowledge that I have no idea what's going to happen along the way.

But my problem recently is that I don't know which plan to go after. For reference to this, see my post last March in Wellington. Today, though, it dawned on me that all of my plans are regarding getting a job, establishing a career, and "becoming an adult." Given this, it makes sense that I'm having trouble because of two things; 1) subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, I don't want to be an adult. 2) I'm confining my choices, and therefore in my head the entirety of my future (though I know that what I chose now isn't forever), to a very small space. What I'm saying to myself, theoretically, is "self, do you want to be a doctor or a lawyer?" when all my inner self most wants to do is go skydiving in Mongolia.*

Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

So here's the real question: Do I want to just pick a career direction and go with it just to be moving? Or do I stay here in this space, reading, thinking, asking questions, living at home with my parents and making minimal money working for my dad for a while longer?

If option 1, then I need to close my eyes, spin around in a circle and point in a direction and attack it. If option 2, then I need to make peace with the fact that living with your parents can be a trial as well as a blessing; I need to accept that doing the work I'm doing for my dad isn't fulfilling for me, but that it is temporary; I need to find a way to deal with the stress of not having health insurance and being a financial burden to my parents for a while longer; and most of all I need to find a way to deal with my own feelings of inadequacy for not getting the fuck out of the nest (excuse my language) and becoming one of those "productive members of society" my nagging inner voice is always talking about.

So there you are. Is there a third option that hasn't presented itself to me? Are these my choices? And what about skydiving in Mongolia?**

For today I'm ok with thinking and reading and praying. But what about tomorrow?


*Just for reference, I want none of those things.
**No, really. I hate heights. This is for visualization purposes only.